Post: #1

So every September/October my sister and her friends in laws go to this barbecue house to drink and have food.

However, the last time I went two years ago, one of the main guys of their family disrespected me coming back in the mini van by saying "I look in the mirror trying to look like a barbie girl" along those lines and every one started laughing.

I've heard stuff that this guy also gossips and mocks me behind my back.

Also the last time I went 2 years ago, he treated me like he owed me saying "can you sit at the front of the mini bus".

I'm thinking about not going today, I feel he thinks he's got power over me and will provoke me in some way again today and being a bit shy myself, I won't be able to fully defend myself and will look like a tool in front of everyone.

So missing this event is the way to go?

Post: #2

There's definitely a time and place to suck it up and push through something because it's the right thing to do.

This is not one of those times.

Rather, put your time and energy into becoming a man who could care less about an asshole making every effort to intimidate you.

You're not there yet. Get involved in things that grow your confidence and learn not to give a fuck.

Post: #3

Lift and learn to fight so that in the end you never have to.

Post: #4

Start sticking up for yourself.

Next time he insults you say "at least I don't have a head like a dropped pie" and laugh it off.

Learn some quality insults.

Watch Gran Torino a few dozen times and learn to interact with men.

Post: #5

Every thread you start, you are bitching about something.

You have no self-respect, so people don't respect you.

Post: #6

What do you want us to tell you that you haven't already been told about your family situations?

Buy some pomade and put your hair in place before you go? Then you won't have to primp in the mirror of a minivan.

Post: #7

Don't go. It's clear it will not end well. But promise to yourself you will go next year and be a confident motherfucker. That will help push you a little bit more towards your goal.

Post: #8

Don't waste your time with toxic people. Life is too short to hang out with people that tear you down.

Post: #9

Sounds like highschool reunion style pre-selection. This guy and other people in this group may already have a predisposition to think you're a pussy.

If you enjoying going and being around those people then go and enjoy yourself and don't let one bad egg ruin your good time. If he gives you shit give it back. Learn how to dish it out to people. If you're only reason for going is that you feel obligated because it's family or whatever then don't go.

Post: #10

Don't go unless you're prepared to defend yourself. Also be a man if you defend yourself.

"Why are you insulting me? Do you have a problem, man?"

"Talking about someone behind their back is pathetic and low. Too chicken to say it to my face?"

Etc.

If you aren't prepared to go all the way, don't go. Just say, "I have other plans for that day," and skip out.

Post: #11

(09-18-2017 09:46 PM)mensch Wrote:  Don't go. It's clear it will not end well. But promise to yourself you will go next year and be a confident motherfucker. That will help push you a little bit more towards your goal.

+1


This sounds like the perfect motivation to get your shit together.

Starting today, start looking at boxing or muay thai gyms in your area. Pick only one combat sport and train few days per week for a year.

The added benefit is that it will teach you how to behave around tough mothefuckers (trust me, the weakest guy at the boxing gym will be a gorilla compared with that pussy you are describing).

Start stronglifts or starting strength NOW.

3 hours per week at the gym lifting heavy shit+ minimum 3 hours per week training combat sports.
It´s incredible how a man can change in one year using this regimen.

Then next year, when you are a confident badass, show up there and just chill. I´m not saying to go looking for a fight, quite the opposite. Calmly look at the guy in the eyes and see if he dares challenge you again.

Post: #12

(09-19-2017 12:04 AM)Thomas the Rhymer Wrote:  Don't waste your time with toxic people. Life is too short to hang out with people that tear you down.

Pretty much what he said. Learn to surround yourself with uplifting, smart people, not people that issue putdowns and insults. Your time should be too valuable to hang out with a bad crowd. Form a new social circle and don't feel guilty about no-showing a lame crowd.

Post: #13

There are a few ways to deal with this...

1. Get aggressive. "I don't know how you talk to your wife, but I'm not your bitch." I like this line, but resort to anger very sparingly. Anger shows that they've gotten to you.

2. Make light of the situation and turn the tables. "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, baby. By the way, you sort of look like [that fat guy] on [some stupid TV show.] Do you get that a lot?" Then I act like they're weird for saying stupid shit.

Not being able to confront these situations head on makes you a weak male. You've got to learn how to deal with the situation using either brute force or finesse. Preferably the latter.

It sounds like part of the problem is your frame. Men only pick on other men who are weak. When people know they can't phase you, they rarely, if ever, fuck with you.

Post: #14

OP, as Hank Moody said above, part of the problem may be your frame.

That said, you have an opportunity to 'flip the script'.

Next time main guy disrespecting you gives you some shit, give yourself a monologue within earshot of someone. It's hard to explain here, but Clint Eastwood movies come to mind, where he's talking to someone, but not really (?). Harrison Ford does it a lot in the Indiana Jones movies as well. They both sort of go into dialogue as they're facing somewhere off camera (and away from the other characters).

In your example let's call the Main Guy Joe, and let's say Joe has a neck beard. But you'll have to find a physical quality to neg the Main Guy about.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OP doing whatever in the mirror (I'm going to assume fixing your hair).

Joe spits his Barbie line.

OP (not looking at anyone, while continuing to fix your hair): "Heh.. never fails.."

Someone will inevitably ask what you mean by that.

OP (again, dismissively): "Every so often, someone fells threatened by me and tries to give me shit. Usually guys with neck beards, like Joe."

Someone asks what you mean by that.

OP (still dismissive): "Well, it shows an insecurity on the other person's part. They're not confident enough in themselves, so they have to try and bring someone else down to the level they're at. Sad, really."

Someone will try to defend Joe or point out some redeeming quality they think he has.

OP (putting on the finishing touches to his hair): "Oh, I'm sure he can be a nice guy sometimes. But... well, as far as I know, I've never done anything to him, so I guess I'm not sure where whatever his issue with me is, is coming from..."

OP (now done primping, and looking at the person that's been listening): "... just so long as he can take whatever he dishes out."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While the above is a bit theatrical, it's more to give you another idea of how to approach this situation next time you're in this guy's company.

And you can curtail your dialogue with others in a specific situation to spin a little bit of bull and throw it back (indirectly) on "Joe".

- "I remember reading an article a couple years ago. It might have been Men's Health, or GQ... it may have even been in Reader's Digest... anyway, the article when on about behaviors in men. They spoke with 200 couples that the husband/boyfriend had the same types of behavior (as Joe), and found that those men never gave their partners orgasms."

- "I saw something on one of the cable channels last year while I was flipping stations. Some doctor of X university found a direct correlation between (one or two of Joe's physical attributes) and under average penile length."

^^ The key with those is that you're not talking about Joe specifically.

Post: #15

You care wayyyyy too much, which is why you shouldn't go.

I'm not sure why everyone wants OP to escalate. Maybe the other guy just likes rude jokes, and turning a guys joke into something to be upset about gives legitimacy to the insult.

Have some fun, lighten up

Post: #16

If the other people there besides him liked you, they would check him when he talks shit. Especially your sister. Grow up and be a man.

Post: #17

Do you want to go to this party? That seems to me like the primary question. What do you actually want to do?

Disrespect is a funny thing. Isolated incidents are relatively easy to shrug off, and can often be turned into positives with the correct mindset. I dare say, had you laughed when he called you on it, held eye contact and acknowledged that it was a terrible habit you were working on solving, then the matter would probably have been left more or less at that.

The fact that this disrespect has escalated, with him talking behind your back etc, must surely rankle in part because you recognise your own feebleness and inability to handle these kinds of mild confrontations in a healthy and masculine manner. You were caught doing something gay, and instead of a, 'you just wish you were this pretty' or whatever, you showed that you were frustrated and angry, but not prepared to take any action.

This is not a good place to be, and it leads to you feeling how you feel. It is much easier to handle disrespect if you take ownership of it, and address it within your own frame. This can be acknowledging it if you have actually done something you should be made fun of for (you have), or it can be retorting with an appropriate, socially calibrated response, 'Your mum never seems to mind me doing it when I stay over' (unless you are dealing with Mexicans, or some other nationalities). When you can do this, disrespect is generally nipped in the bud, as most sane people will do almost anything to avoid an actual fight. There is then nothing to rankle subsequently, and eat away at your own idealised image of yourself as a guy worthy of respect and deserving of being held in high esteem.

Most people experience moments like this in life, and if you are sensible you will use it as a learning experience. Most of us I'm sure can remember situations that do not fill us with pride, where we let our fear or humiliation tie our tongues or make us act rashly. It is one of the worst feelings in the world - worse than catching a beating, worse than many forms of loss or failure.

Properly harnessed, my view is that a situation such as the one you describe should be a catalyst for your self improvement, both physically, and far more important, mentally. You should look at your behaviours honestly, or if you can bear it, have someone you trust give it to you straight. If you are a vain, precious, barbie type man then you should acknowledge that, and ask yourself the uncomfortable question of whether that is the way you want to be and indeed how you want to be perceived. If it is, and plenty of men own that shit (look at Jersey Shore), then you should accept that it is a part of the image you are putting out into the world, and you don't care whether you're seen as vain so long as the primary purpose (presumably girls (or maybe boys if you're a real barbie ) ) is realised. Self-confidence is largely a matter of congruence, and you should be happy with your behaviours, mannerisms, and proclivities to the point you are able to live them all out unapologetically.

In addition to this, you must realise that being yourself, unapologetically, is likely to make you some enemies. This guy in the OP may be one of these enemies. If he is, and you are being the person you want to be, then you need to be ok with that. I would add the caveat that becoming physically capable, and carrying yourself that way, is a very potent thing. It allows you to be congruent, because you know that you are not relying on the largess of an enemy for your continued personal well-being, and in my opinion that is essential to this congruence. Courage is most frequently the capacity to do violence and refraining from it, regardless of the perceived slight - but you're not really refraining if you don't actually possess the means and the will to do so if absolutely necessary.

To that end, I would echo the sentiment that you should lift if you don't already, and you should learn some kind of combat sport that involves being struck repeatedly. This will not make you a world beater necessarily, or make you some macho demi-god by itself. What it will do is stop you being a pussy, remove the self doubt that comes from not knowing whether you could actually do violence, or whether you could actually match up to a stranger, and make you more comfortable with physical confrontation, in the hope that that comfort will be sufficient to discourage you, or anyone else, from fisticuffs.

As a note, I would personally discourage noisy confrontation of the, 'what's your problem' type as it's usually either incongruous, embarrassing, or ineffective. Social grace is far more disarming, and can be paid lip service to whilst achieving the desired effect without any obsequiousness on your part. People who noisily confront one another tend to betray either mental imbalance, or an unfamiliarity with conflict - the uncontrolled rush of adrenaline just makes them noisy and uncontrolled, without necessarily being any more dangerous for it. Really frightening people, those who truly know how to hurt you, are generally quite calm when they confront you. Much better to be calm, firm, and assured, than wild and aggressive, and socially unpalatable.

Reaching this point will require a degree of introspection, and a great deal of time, as well as some maturity. My personal advice would be not to go to the party unless you really want to, because I think there is a good chance it will either cause you further embarrassment, or will cause you to do something you're not currently well equipped for. Personally I would acknowledge this fact, recognise that my own short comings might be holding me back from the kind of life I wanted to live, or at least contributing to aspects of my life I was unhappy with, and start to implement personal changes which gave me a little more control over proceedings.

Post: #18

"Can you sit at the front of the mini bus", anytime anyone says something snarky like this to me, I reply with "I don't know, can you go fuck yourself?" it usually works.

Post: #19

What kind of insult is 'can you sit in front of the mini-bus?'

Ignore him and do whatever you want. He's trying to provoke a reaction.

Be Don Draper --

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlOSdRMSG_k