Post: #1

Hey guys, this is my third weekend in a row I've been out at clubs and I just couldn't approach anyone. Like I'm going out trying to have fun and hitting the gym most days but when I get down to it I just can't go over and approach, it sucks.
Has this ever happened to any of you, if so any tips?

Post: #2

Try opening some mixed sets to build momentum. It's little less stressful since you can open the dudes and then bring the women into the conversation. Afterwards, you can use the momentum to open a woman.

Post: #3

Start by talking to more people in your day to day interactions. Anybody!

Post: #4

Clubs are not for everyone. You just need to be more social with people in your daily life. Women are human too like you in that they desire meaningful and emotional interactions. No magic is required: Go out and interact w/ people.

Post: #5

Yeah, have some wings to go out with you.
Also think SUPER DEEP why you didn't approach.
For example, did you see the first girl when you went out from your house and you didn't approach?
Why didn't you approach? Were you scared to find out what will happen? Did you have a bad day that day?
Dig super deep into your consciousness and cancel out your rationalizations.

Were you thinking, "Oh. She is not that hot." or "Oh, she probably is a bitch or not smart anyways."
These are some rationalizations that I made a long time ago and I have cancelled those out by thinking, "I don't know before I talk to them." "I am probably just going to sleep with them and that's my objective, so how hot they are, how bitchy or smart they are doesn't really matter."

Like realize that you are making excuses or rationalizations and try to CANCEL those out by making another statement and work through your psyche.

Post: #6

Yeah this happened to me. It actually lasted a while and worried the shit out of me. I went to a club with another forum member who was really on his game that night and felt like an idiot. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't approach.

I'm not really sure what was happening but I got over it eventually. A few ideas...

- just accept that you're going through something and go into monk mode for a few months
- don't try to run game, just approach and start a "hi, i'm Delta8" kind of conversation
- take a vacation and try approaching in a new place
- just go up to a girl and stand there and look stupid, maybe you'll break through your "block" (I wasn't able to do this very often)
- learn to dance. That way you can just go dance at a club and let girls come to you.

You might be hitting a wall by thinking "what am I going to do next?" If you give some thought to what your endgame is, or if you can convince yourself to stop overthinking it that might help.

I'm interested to see how you solve it. good luck.

Post: #7

Thanks the advice I think it is just a block because I normally do most of my approaches at nightclubs, but guess I just hit a wall. As for the super wingmen someone mentioned, I don't know but I can't approach with other friends (maybe the odd time persuade a group of girls to come dance with us) most of the time I go out with a group but hunt solo lol.
I'm going to take the points you all made here and apply them next time I'm out and hopefully just chalk it up to a few bad weeks and rusty game.

Post: #8

Why not day game? I don't know your personal preferences but I dislike bars and clubs. I feel more comfortable in day game venues.

Post: #9

Talk to every single person you see during the day and it will transfer to your evening vibe.

Be curious and inquisitive, everyone has a story to tell.

It's just momentum, once you start with that then it will just flow from there.

Clubs are annoying because of the noise barrier so you would have to go to the smoking area or up your dance game.

Either way, don't feel shit, it's how we all start.

Post: #10

I'd probably consider daygame once I'm comfortable with nights and making sure my game is even somewhat average.
Yeah I'm working this weekend so that should help the social momentum part.
I know that I need to get back into that don't give a fuck mindset!

Post: #11

where in the uk are you?

Post: #12

I've talked here about my "freezes" before. In general it's best not to let a few setbacks kill your confidence. Everybody has bad days or bad plays.

For your particular predicament why not start simple. If you're going to the bar ask the girl what her drink is, especially if it's a weird color or something like that. One potential next step is to tease her for a getting a girly/fruity drink.

Ask about the music. Pretend like you forgot the name of the artist and ask who does this song. If you can talk music then there are a lot of ways you can go with that.

Comment on some jewelry she has and say that your friend/cousin/whatever used to wear something like that and then talk about a good or bad quality of the person you're comparing her to.

Comment on someone's weird dance moves. Say that you still need quite a few more drinks to get to that point.

I don't think any of these are particularly brilliant, but you're just trying to get a conversation started.

Just remember that there are really no consequences - the worst thing that could happen (barring an extreme situation) is that this one girl walks away and you can try again with one of the dozens of others there.

Post: #13

Make the decision to approach the night before.

Post: #14

I've been there. Unfortunatrly the solution is to just let go and just jump into the water despite of fear.

If you want to make it less painful then go out with friends post up in busy area and chat up girls in your proximity by asking them something relevant to the conversation and topics of your group. Just turn head catch her attention and say something over the shoulder. Completely casual.

Post: #15

Same, been there man. What helped me a lot was an internalization that I was going to get rejected 99% of the time. So, instead of trying some funny cocky shit I read on the forum I just was congruent and complimented her about something. Most newbies are going to cringe but you'll be surprised where a genuine compliment will take you. Example, I was out at the suppliment store and a chick caught my eye, walked up to her and simply said "thanks". Obviously she goes for what so I reply for taking your time getting ready to come to this store today. You look nice, and i'm feeling those glasses". Not sure if its going to amount to anything but it definitly made her day. "Are you busy right now" (instadate) got me a number and some icecream, which she wanted to pay for. So the point is as a grown man talk to woman as if you known them for years. You'll be surprised how far congruence will take you. Say the very first thing on your mind next time you stare at a woman. Remember, your doing this for you not her.

Post: #16

Delta8,

1. Change your thinking. Instead, of thinking I need to impress this girl or worried about the outcome. Make the goal that you simply need to accomplish this task at the best level you can at that exact time. Think of it as practicing free throws or jump shots for the big game down the road. What might happen is irrelevant. You need to simply get in your practice. If it works out, great. If you do terribly, it will be a funny story for you later. So don't sweat it and enjoy the process.
2. Be curious about other people and stop worrying about your insecurities. Seek the girls out in part because you want to know about them. What do they like, how do they think, etc. Remember this is supposed to be fun and it will be when you start to realize game actually works.
3. Work on your state going into these events. Continuing with the sports metaphor, you are like a pitcher getting ready for the big game. Get your mind right and block out all the stresses of the day. You can do this a couple of ways. One is simply putting together a list of songs that will get you in the mood to approach girls. Another way is to think back to some examples where you were successful approaching girls and remember those feelings and how you were. Then replay these songs and scenarios in your head before approaching.
4. Accept that your first couple approaches for the night aren't likely going to be awesome and that is ok. You need a couple of warm ups before you get rolling so be sure to give yourself that latitude. And don't wait to get to the club to start approaching girls or chatting people up.
5. Take these next words to heart as it will help your resiliency. Don't let a bad experience of any kind ruin your night. This could be anything negative that happens to you before or in a bar, club or whatever. Recognize it is just one random, isolated person or incident. Most often, it has nothing to do with you anyway. With another person or bar or club, you will get a different experience. So when these incidents happen, shift. Go talk to another girl, go to another bar, club, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had a bad experience early in a night only to rebound to have some really great experiences later on.

Finally, be ok with the fact that sometimes you will not answer the bell and talk to all the girls like you will want. Don't beat yourself up about it and keep going back out there. One thing I have learned about game in a very short time is it does a really good job of pointing out all the things that you don't have sorted. All your questions, doubts, insecurities can go through your mind and it can take some time to sort through all of them. Be ok with that and recognize you will become a lot stronger as a result if you continue to push your boundaries.

Post: #17

My solution is quite simple. Its a quote actually.

"If you linger around a barbershop, sooner or later, you're gonna get a haircut".

That's how I overcame mine. Go to where girls hangout and linger. Sooner or later, you're gonna feel like a chump and you're going to approach.

Post: #18

Hey Delta8 - I'm pretty much in the same camp as you. There's some sound advice in this thread though. Where in the UK are you based? We could hit the town together and try and improve.

Post: #19

@subterfuge
@bojack_horseman
Northern Ireland

Post: #20

The answer is actually quite simple - the conversational skills are secondary, this can be learnt quite quickly.

What is of primary importance is the self-perception - the more externally referenced a man, the harder it will be to approach women for who you think you are will depend on how others respond to you. Great interaction - you feel great, nasty interaction - you're depressed.

Most men will never cold approach because their self-perception (and beliefs and values associated) is too dependent on what women think of them. They want women to like them so they act nice. Paradoxically, that's what women resent the most, and what attracts them is an asshole - essentially, a guy who's indifferent and with attitude "You want to have sex with me? Good. You don't? Also good." Once any particular woman is secondary to a man's mission, then the right attitude will allow to make good progress towards cold approaching. Obviously, it's quite difficult to become fully independent, we're social animals after all.

So what to do?

Become internally referenced (or, to be more precise, as internally referenced as possible - no normally psychosocially developed person can be 100% internally referenced) through your values and achievements. Then you become a rock and don't get affected - she smiled at you and gave you number? That's OK. She told you to get lost? That's OK. You. Are. OK. At all times.

That's the "inner game" foundations. Without them, there can't be significant progress and success in game (especially daygame) long term.

Post: #21

Great advice from everyone here
Can't thank you guys enough
Appreciated.

Post: #22

The way I look at it is that you're already better than 90% of the guys out there, as you're actually putting yourself forward and trying to go out every weekend to new clubs and bars. Remember that most guys do not regularly go out, especially if they have settled down into an LTR and we all know how many of those LTR's do not work out in the long-run and the guy ends up wasting months if not years of his youth.
Other guys get too comfortable in their tight-knit social circles (this is especially prevalent in many countries in EU) and get afraid then to go out and experiment if they do not have their friends next to them.
So, even if you do not approach much just because you're in a social setting there's always a chance that one of these days you'll get a nice buzz and get through this "wall of approach anxiety" or perhaps even some luck will come down on you and a girl or two will approach you (yes, it does happen sometimes).
Believe me when I say it that few guys are naturals and most of us have to deal with approach anxiety even after many years of going out so what you're experiencing is normal but with experience it should get better.