Post: #1

Hey guys,

So now I'm 6 months down the road from when I posted this thread - 39yo Aussie PUA, 25yo Russian Trad hot fiancee just left me..

The TL;DR of that thread is this:
- I've just turned 40.
- ex-PUA, have played the field plenty and would like settle down to start a family.
- Suffered a massive personal financial crisis that practically wiped me out, had built up a sizeable investing portfolio over 18 years that was reduced to less than 30% of it's value.
- Lost my mojo, put on weight, suffered from a negative mindset.
- Had an amazing LTR but couldn't move forward with the marriage/kids thing for an unknown reason. I just didn't feel comfortable. The issue was with me, she was great. I could have some kind of anxiety issue or similar.
- After postponing our wedding and having kids, she felt she had waited long enough and left me and moved back to Moscow.

I was shattered. I decided to lay low and do some work to get back to my old self again. Meditation, gym, healthy eating - all implemented.

### 6 months later ###

I knew that I'd need some time out, time heals all wounds and all that, but 6+ months on I'm still feeling really lost and could really use the forums advice.


Where am I right now?


Living situation - I sold two amazing apartments in inner Melbourne to get a deposit for a family home in the outer burbs. That didn't go ahead and now I'm renting with a housemate. I really miss owning where I live, although I've already lost quite a lot in sales transaction costs ($80k in taxes & agents fees) and if I just went out and bought something similar to what I just sold I'd be up for another round of purchasing costs (around 5% of the purchase price in Australia, $40k on an $800k AUD place).

If I were to buy again, I could buy a 2 bedroom apartment in inner Melbourne, or a family home up in the hills (45 min drive from the city). There is a part of me that still wants to go ahead and buy the family home with a backyard, to 'nest' a little, start making minor improvements like an outdoor decking or BBQ area, that type of thing. The area is in a forest with lots of trees, an area I love to be in, it makes me feel relaxed and content. Downsides are living out there might not be so good for a single man and/or my next woman I meet could live somewhere else completely.

My first question is should I buy something inner city, the 'family home' (and rent out the other bedrooms) out in the burbs, or just continue to rent until it becomes clearer?


Women Wise - I've had basically no contact with my ex. There is a part of me that wants to go all out to win her back (as low chance that may be), another part of me that doesn't want to do this until I've worked on myself enough, to ensure I don't repeat the same habits (indecision, irritability, unhappiness) and a smaller part of me that wonders if I would be happier with someone new.

Obvioulsy I'm still confused - but am not getting any clarity here. I know I'm still down and still greiving her loss. I thought I'd go through a year of FB's just to keep my mind off things, gain some perspective and then start to look for something serious again, although my game is rusty as hell and I'm not sure if my heart is in it. My half assed-ness and lack of mojo shines through and it's been a struggle to get back into the swing of things. I've had one BJ and one (crappy) lay in 2-3 months of getting out there. I've been hitting mainly dating apps with some day game and results have been average.

I've just had an ex-FB come back into my life (thankfully I should be getting laid regularily soon!). I also have another wife quality ex I've considered hitting up if/when the time is right.


Second question - any advice on what to do here? I'm unsure about trying again with my ex and am also afraid I'll repeat my bad habits in new relationships until I fix them.


I've got a few more life areas I'd love some advice on but I don't want to overcomplicate the thread.

Post: #2

Living situation:

Don't buy anything yet. I don't think Real Estate in Australia is looking great and you're not going to make a good decision when you're in the wrong headspace. If you purchase the wrong place, you will torch more money in transaction fees.

I keep reading about an oversupply in apartments in Melbourne, meaning it's a good time to rent.

Think about where you work and live. Would creating poor logistics for yourself be wise at this point?

Post: #3

Well you see what had happened to you friend is called life. Shes a cruel mistress and will come by sometimes an turn your shit upside down. What's happened has happened... there is no changing it. The only thing that matters is what you do from this point forward. It seems to me like your already off to a better start then many would be by taking care of your health and fitness. I'd say you got about 6 more months to go until the sting of your losses starts to fade away... an to be honest it may never fade away completely but thats alright. In reality you're pretty much in your prime now.... you still got a lot of good years ahead of you. If this happened 20 years from now you may have a great sense of doom and it may be warranted.... unless your into Asian chicks

Just keep on bettering yourself and your situation and slowly things will start to fall back in place. I wouldn't make any big decisions like purchasing a home or getting a face tattoo for at least another year. As far as your ex-girlfriends.... thats a tough one but usually the consensus on that stuff is leave the past in the past

You're gonna come out stronger and better off in the long run. You're not the kind of defeated beta man who is going to let anything break him.... just keep doing what you need to do an knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Post: #4

I can understand the urge to nest and to have a place thats yours, and it is also good economics to live in a place rent free if you can. (you can buy outright?)

So I suggest buying one of those cheap apartments in Melbourne inner for now, to live in and enjoy the single life while your regroup.

Its a buy and hold suggestion, so don't worry about the market or capital gain... You are buying to always have somewhere to go, put your stuff and enjoy the city life.

In the future, you can have the family house and land with the wife and kids, and the apartment can be a renter or a weekender in the city when you get sick ot the rural quiet.

As for chicks, its time to leave the old ones behind, and move forward with an exciting new round of interviews for the future wife and child bearer - if I read right that is what you want?

If you still just want to bang around, then what better place than the inner city man cave.

Post: #5

You need to smash the gym and every other aspect of self improvement you can until you get your mojo back. I think the vast majority of us have had periods where we have lost our mojo temporarily, but you can earn it back.

1. Don't buy anywhere but rent somewhere cool that gives you access to potential wife material women. I would expect that to be downtown. Definitely not in 'the hills'!

2. Try the other ex when, and only when, you regain your mojo.

Post: #6

(08-07-2018 03:05 AM)Mig Picante Wrote:  I keep reading about an oversupply in apartments in Melbourne, meaning it's a good time to rent.

Think about where you work and live. Would creating poor logistics for yourself be wise at this point?

A LOT of apartments are empty and kept off the market to artificially inflate prices and rentals but it's all slowly stagnating. You probably sold at the right time Pixelfree.

As for living out in the Dandenongs or whatever, it would be lovely but you'd still want a city pad for pickup as out in the hills it's small town social group stuff.

I'm only a bit out of the cbd and it's comfy but isolating... basically Batcave sort of stuff. The good thing is, if it's not peak hour, I can be in the city, in the hills or at the beach all within half an hour drive... and I enjoy driving but from a logistics point of view, half an hour is too long if you're going for quick pulls (that's if you'd have them at your place and not theirs). So you might need that city pad if you want woman friendly logistics. If you do find a suitable LTR lady, location will only be an issue if she's a cunt... the suburb snob type.

With all that said, this is Melbourne... you know Melbourne women well, and that's probably why you went with that Russian girl...

Post: #7

As to buy/rent,it's usually not a good idea to make major decisions less than a year (or even 2-3 years) after a major crisis. You just don't think clearly enough. So I'd say rent for a while, or even rent out in the suburbs for 6 mo to see what it's like, better to rent for 6 mo than pay transaction costs for a bad decision.

As to getting back, what has fundamentally changed? Have you changed enough that it would make sense for her to consider giving it another try? Only you can answer that.

Post: #8

Aussie real estate is going to shit. I'd consider diversifying into other currencies also. Get your head back together by training hard and having a routine, the rest will come.

Post: #9

Please take all advices on the internet with a grain of salt. Having said that, this is a good place to vent, express your thoughts, clarify you confusion, and connect with people.

I am very indecisive just like you. I took the plunge and got married 7 months ago and everyday I still question my decision.

The scary thing I notice is a lot of man suffer anxiety in their 40s. Good thing it seem to be temporary. Maybe it has to do with hormones. My testosterone dropped from 800 to 400 in 2 years.

You don’t need to live in the city to date. Helps if you want to meet a lot of girls. But since you are not interested in “pulling “, logistics is not as critical. Still important.

Tend to agree in not buying just yet. Hopefully you got your money in some high interest CDs just to keep pace with inflation in case housing price continue to go up.

Why don’t you share your fears, the reasons you could not go ahead with the marriage?

Like you I got into the pick up scene, got laid enough. But you don’t learn about the other 80% of women until you get into a committed relationship. You also learn a lot about yourself.

Post: #10

Thanks for the advice everyone. In regards to living situation, I’ve decided to postpone any decisions about it for at least 6 months. I should be clearer then.

(08-07-2018 08:43 PM)jbkunt2 Wrote:  2. Try the other ex when, and only when, you regain your mojo.

Amen to this. In fact, I met up with a super solid ex-FB of mine. Should have been one of the easiest things to get going again, but then it was all her ‘trying to get back with my ex’. Could be coincidence, but likely due to lack of mojo. I just can’t hide it, and chicks can sense it. Given how things have been going I’m 2-3 months away at least from being able to pull again like I used to.

(08-15-2018 09:04 AM)Excalibur Wrote:  I am very indecisive just like you. I took the plunge and got married 7 months ago and everyday I still question my decision.

Why don’t you share your fears, the reasons you could not go ahead with the marriage?

Like you I got into the pick up scene, got laid enough. But you don’t learn about the other 80% of women until you get into a committed relationship. You also learn a lot about yourself.

Great post. Very helpful, thanks.

Yes, part of me wonders if I’ll find someone as good a wife/child bearer material as my ex. It’s very easy to worry about this with a negative mindset. Logically though, I was never looking for these women in the past, I was just going for whoever was a 7+ in looks and I could fuck pretty much – and in fact in my many years of gaming came across 2-3 good candidates that I didn’t pursue because I knew they wanted something more serious, were very nice people and I didn’t want to screw them around.

In regards to my fears, the main reason I couldn’t go ahead with the marriage was because I found my LTR to be boring – both too shy/quiet and not interesting enough, conversationally or socially. For example, she rarely suggested anything fun to do, didn’t have many friends (her friends were my friends). At the time I thought she was 'dumb', but realise it was probably me who was dumb, and she was just young (21 -> 25, I was 36 -> 40) and her being in a new country/culture/language.

I also lost sexual interest in her which at the time I took to mean ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, but am now starting to think that’s probably guy-Disney and just part and parcel of LTR’s post 2-3 years (where a more unconditional, companion type love overtakes the lustful/erotic desire). I'm learning from David T's Rock Solid Relationship course that I was probably looking at our relationship too 'transactionally' - i.e. I will provide xyz, she provides a certain level of hotness, etc - rather than just unconditional love (after deciding she's worth going 'all in'), lifting each other up, etc

I just thought there is likely someone better out there for me, someone who is just as cute (or at least an 8/10), just as affectionate/sweet, but more ‘fun’ and interesting but still good wife/mum material.

That’s all I’m aware of consciously. Unsure of what else unconsciously – feeling ‘trapped’, moving around every 2 years as a kid making it difficult to form LTRs (?), general indecision, who knows.

I’d say general indecision / being too critical on myself is playing a big part. I’m the opposite of ‘go with the flow’, I over analyse everything and always try to ‘maximise’ every outcome in life - to the point of it being a negative thing.

Looking back, given that everyone has their downsides what I listed above shouldn’t be deal breakers and her positive qualities really were amazing. Very affectionate, positive, kind, thoughtful, young, hot, stylish, motherly/homemaker type, health conscious, into yoga, etc.

Do you guys relate to the indecision thing? I’m assuming everybody wonders if they could be with someone better, but some are able to either make peace with those thoughts or can see that type of thinking for the charade/trap it is.

Maybe if one is simply more happier with themselves/their life that these thoughts don’t arise at all?

Post: #11

Don't contact your ex. Get a younger one and avoid the pitfalls/problems you've learned from the previous relationship. And hold your ground for things you couldn't do (maybe go out with your friends once a week, etc).

Do not buy a house. I heard the market is overpriced in Australia but more importantly; avoid having assets in your name. Establish a Trust/LLC and put your assets there. You can rent a nice place like a small apartment in a good location. Better to meet and attract girls. When you meet "the one", you can talk to her about moving to the suburbs and live in a house (a rented one!).

At 40 you can get a 20yo but remember that most girls want to have kids at 28 (after playing the cock carrousel). You might scare her if you start talking about kids in the first dates. And its risky if she gets pregnant soon since you don't have time to see if she's crazy.

Post: #12

@pixel free

I know a few surgeons. I assume you are not one, and of course I am not one. They say surgeons are never sure, but always decisive. I know a plastic surgeon who is on his 4th marriage lol. He make $5 million a year but is living pay check to pay check because of all the alimony he has to pay.

Everyone is different. Some people are never sure or convince themselves that they are sure, and they just go for it.
I tend to be indecisive then make a hasty decision. Maybe I am not good at giving myself advice, but perhaps see issues more clearly as a third eye.

Just to play devil's advocate, why not go back to your ex? You are right, how interesting do you expect a 25 y/o girl who is willing to be a stay at home mom? "Interesting" 25 y/o girls are entrepreneurs, aspiring musician, graduate student, world adventurer. Is that someone who you want? I can guarantee those interesting girls are not ready to have your baby. Well maybe 1/50 of those girls are, but most aren't.

Unless your ex is really not bright, seems like she is a good catch. My wife is not highly educated, but she is bright. She reads twice as fast as I do, better at solving brain teasers and puzzles, good at languages, but does not know the difference between the Pacific ocean and the Atlantic ocean lol. I assume your ex is a sharp girl, but just not worldly.

I am not gonna disagree the the sentiments of the forum either. I too have the habit of everyone else here. We've banged so many girls that we think the next best one is always around the corner.

In reality, good compatible girls are hard to find through cold approach or tinder swipes. There are PUAs much much better than me, guys who lay 50 new girls a year who only find one girl they have the heart for out of those 50. Yes, we might be better than the average Joe at getting laid by girls with hot bodies, but in term of find our soul mates, not so sure.

Yeah, losing sexual interest after 2 years is so common for men. With my first girlfriend, the one that got away, I let her go because I wanted to bang girls with bigger tits, someone who turn me on sexually. Despite now have slept with many sexy girls, I do feel a pang of regret. I remember after hooking up with 2 chicks I tried to get back with her, and she told me it was too late.

I am just bounce around some thoughts for you. I have a bigger problem of my own that I hesitate to post on this forum. All power to you for having the courage to share you fear. With matters of the heart, there is no quick simple solution.

In the mean time, take care of yourself, your finances, and enjoy life.

Post: #13

(08-15-2018 08:01 PM)PixelFree Wrote:  Thanks for the advice everyone. In regards to living situation, I’ve decided to postpone any decisions about it for at least 6 months. I should be clearer then.

(08-07-2018 08:43 PM)jbkunt2 Wrote:  2. Try the other ex when, and only when, you regain your mojo.

Amen to this. In fact, I met up with a super solid ex-FB of mine. Should have been one of the easiest things to get going again, but then it was all her ‘trying to get back with my ex’. Could be coincidence, but likely due to lack of mojo. I just can’t hide it, and chicks can sense it. Given how things have been going I’m 2-3 months away at least from being able to pull again like I used to.

(08-15-2018 09:04 AM)Excalibur Wrote:  I am very indecisive just like you. I took the plunge and got married 7 months ago and everyday I still question my decision.

Why don’t you share your fears, the reasons you could not go ahead with the marriage?

Like you I got into the pick up scene, got laid enough. But you don’t learn about the other 80% of women until you get into a committed relationship. You also learn a lot about yourself.

Great post. Very helpful, thanks.

Yes, part of me wonders if I’ll find someone as good a wife/child bearer material as my ex. It’s very easy to worry about this with a negative mindset. Logically though, I was never looking for these women in the past, I was just going for whoever was a 7+ in looks and I could fuck pretty much – and in fact in my many years of gaming came across 2-3 good candidates that I didn’t pursue because I knew they wanted something more serious, were very nice people and I didn’t want to screw them around.

In regards to my fears, the main reason I couldn’t go ahead with the marriage was because I found my LTR to be boring – both too shy/quiet and not interesting enough, conversationally or socially. For example, she rarely suggested anything fun to do, didn’t have many friends (her friends were my friends). At the time I thought she was 'dumb', but realise it was probably me who was dumb, and she was just young (21 -> 25, I was 36 -> 40) and her being in a new country/culture/language.

I also lost sexual interest in her which at the time I took to mean ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, but am now starting to think that’s probably guy-Disney and just part and parcel of LTR’s post 2-3 years (where a more unconditional, companion type love overtakes the lustful/erotic desire). I'm learning from David T's Rock Solid Relationship course that I was probably looking at our relationship too 'transactionally' - i.e. I will provide xyz, she provides a certain level of hotness, etc - rather than just unconditional love (after deciding she's worth going 'all in'), lifting each other up, etc

I just thought there is likely someone better out there for me, someone who is just as cute (or at least an 8/10), just as affectionate/sweet, but more ‘fun’ and interesting but still good wife/mum material.

That’s all I’m aware of consciously. Unsure of what else unconsciously – feeling ‘trapped’, moving around every 2 years as a kid making it difficult to form LTRs (?), general indecision, who knows.

I’d say general indecision / being too critical on myself is playing a big part. I’m the opposite of ‘go with the flow’, I over analyse everything and always try to ‘maximise’ every outcome in life - to the point of it being a negative thing.

Looking back, given that everyone has their downsides what I listed above shouldn’t be deal breakers and her positive qualities really were amazing. Very affectionate, positive, kind, thoughtful, young, hot, stylish, motherly/homemaker type, health conscious, into yoga, etc.

Do you guys relate to the indecision thing? I’m assuming everybody wonders if they could be with someone better, but some are able to either make peace with those thoughts or can see that type of thinking for the charade/trap it is.

Maybe if one is simply more happier with themselves/their life that these thoughts don’t arise at all?

You have to feel like you're "doing well for yourself" to some degree to not feel trapped or tempted to upgrade. That said, a cute foreign girl can skew a guy's perception of his home soil value somewhat. You can't have it all, and by forty you should know which attributes you will and won't compromise on. In Western cultures the hot young outgoing women you describe almost invariably date the top guys from their social circles and incidentally rarely with huge age gaps.

The much younger girl from a culture more accepting of dating older men is the route a lot of guys on this forum prefer but it has its drawbacks. You naturally have to sacrifice in the cultural compatibility category and in turn the conversational fun that you seem to miss (assuming you don't spend thousands of hours to learn her native tongue). It's natural to crave the features that your partner lacks but it shouldn't become a deal breaker if you chose her based on your priorities. I think the key factor is that in addition to attraction there is an underlying degree of respect that will stay intact as she loses her hotness. A lot of guys have trouble respecting a woman who has ridden the carousel for a decade and is now looking to settle down out of desperation.

Post: #14

Had to reply to this as it struck a chord - my first post! My profile - I used to be pretty good but I’ve been out of the game for a number of years (various reasons) and in my early 40s now. Also live in London which can be challenging to find high quality LTR material. It is depressing and mobile dating apps have just rendered people completely disposable.

Anyway back to the OP’s topics - some great comments so I’ll try to add a little which may be of use.

They say 90% of success is in the mind and 10% is the actual doing of it. If you believe you can do something then you’re half way there. Stay positive because you’re not the only person in this situation and there are a lot of people in much worse situations. Now actually staying in a positive mindset daily can be a challenge - especially when the chimp inside you is feeding you self doubt and negative thoughts. The best way I’ve found to deal with this is watch motivational/inspiring videos every morning when I wake / workout. Evan Carmichael’s channel on YouTube has amazing content from entrepreneurs/highly successful people and I can highly recommend it to start off your day. I also went to a Tony Robbins UPW workshop in London last year to help me get over my fears - both business and personal. I also highly recommend his content on YouTube. All this content has helped me make improvements in many areas of my life, though I am still working on the dating part! High quality LTR material is very rare these days...

In summary what I’m saying is getting other areas of your life under control is great (as you are doing already - exercise, diet etc) and being happy with those areas and also maintaining a positive mindset will allow that energy to crossover into dating and relationships too. It’s easier said than done but when you do it daily it becomes a habit.

And finally, I can’t imagine going back to my ex’s - if it didn’t work out the first time etc... there are millions of other women some of whom must be better candidates!

Stay positive

Post: #15

Guys - some excellent responses. I read and re-read all of them and spend time having a good think. They're very helpful, more than anything else.

I thought I'd share some new information I'm coming across, which may explain why I was unsatisfied in my previous relationship. It's some material on the '7 Universal Human Needs', which are:

Need for Security/Certainty/Comfort
Need for Variety/Uncertainty
Need for Significance
Need for Connection
Need for Love
Then, once the above is met, there are the needs for Growth and Connection.

It's interesting material, because as I said earlier I found myself bored. From my relationship I was getting my needs for security/comfort, connection and love met, but didn't have my need for variety/uncertainty met (in a fun and positive way).

My issue may have been that I was seeking to fulfil all/most of my needs from my LTR, which may be unrealistic.

In the past, I have travelled quite a lot, lived in many countries and had many jobs around the world, and have had many 'new' relationships. Was learning new things and so on. All exciting and uncertain things.

I wonder it's it's unwise for a man to expect to have this need met from his LTRs. For example, I'm sure Trump doesn't have his need for uncertainly met from Melania. I had always said to myself, when dating the more 'simple life' traditional girls, that I'll get my stimulating philosophical conversation needs met from my guy friends.

Could it be that I was actually unhappy with other areas of my life, but put the blame on my LTR and saw my unhappiness as her shortcoming? Has anyone else done this?

And also, what ways can we fulfil this need for variety and uncertainty (or excitement)? I'm not into sports, I like travel but at 40 (and in an LTR) I'm less likely to backpack South America these days. I've lived a pretty fast paced life and there is a part of me that likes a little more consistency/routine in the things that I do as I get older in regards to where I live and jobs.

Post: #16

Never go back with an ex-girlfriend/wife, ever. "Don't throw out the trash and then have your neighbors see you go out and dig through it. You got rid of it (or it of you) for a reason. The shit that was tossed out in that trash can will be nearly impossible to find and even if you did find it, it's not nearly as valuable as you think it is."

You've lost your frame in that relationship. It won't come back with that woman. Use your time and energy developing a relationship with a new and interesting girl who still respects you and doesn't secretly despise you for past transgressions. The person in the relationship with the most power/control is the person who cares the least. You've let your relationship castrate your alpha-ness and beta-tize you. You're getting it back and it's going to be a long haul, but it's over with that woman. Forget about her. Move on.

Re-establish your frame and make it a frame that a girl wants to be in. You don't want to move into her frame. You want her to move into yours. You're looking at younger girls, so look at what those girls want because it's totally different from a 20 year old and a 29 year old. She has different priorities in that time period (generally), so different frames will appeal differently. The younger girl wants the "alpha fucks" good looking, buff, hot guy, fun to be around, partier, etc. The 29 year old may be looking for a little bit of the "beta bucks"--provider type characteristics.

Get your shit back together and re-convince yourself that you are the prize.

Make your mission your mission and women will come to you. If you make a woman your mission, you are doomed to fail.

Post: #17

If you have not heard anything from your ex after 6 months she is most likely gone. Best to accept this. Hard but most likely scenario, old boy.

It is hard after you lived in a comfortable house to do the renting with roommate, I feel your pain. But this situation is overcome in due course, you can always buy a house again. Best to rent until you are clearer on what you want.

In the long run I think you will look back on this and find that it was all for the best. You dodged a bullet with a Russian who was pressuring you to have children. Children end all game. If you have children it is all over. So you should only do that if you feel you want it. Obviously you did not. So you dodged a bullet in not caving to the children demand. Well done. Now you can get your life back to what you want it to be. This is an opportunity for you.

Post: #18

Having read both threads I think you would've been better off just getting her pregnant. I left my girlfriend 5ish years ago when she wanted a baby and I didn't. Thankfully we got back together afterwards and everything has worked out. It took me another several years before I said fuck it lets have a baby. Although with that said she still every now and then gets upset about the girl she knows about that I was dating when we were broken up.

With that said, given the length of time and that shes now back in Moscow you are probably not going to get back with the ex. You need to focus on self improvement. It's going to take a solid year for you to get back to your normal self. The financial issue is obviously going to be a big one as well. I don't really understand what the hell you were invested in to have a swing that wiped out 2/3rds of your net worth. That is a massive blow both to the mind and ego.

With all that said you need to look in the mirror and recognize you've got it better than 99% of the world. You can afford what 99% of the world would consider a very expensive home, you are in shape, obviously smart and I'd assume you also have good social skills.

I don't know how tied into business you are in Melbourne. If you aren't why not go take a 3 or 6 month sabbatical and enjoy life. Go to asia, russia, ukraine wherever you like.