Post: #26

Dealing with a breakup with someone your considered a potential 'one'

Brace yourself.... It will haunt you for the rest of your days

Post: #27

Teedub, I know it's hard and it feels god awful right now but I think you did the right thing. There are just some things that you have to draw a line in the sand for and this is one of them. This is where a lot of men get into trouble, where they try and live with something that their chick is doing that just isn't sitting right with them deep down. Letting them do shit like this is a soul killer and a guy has to have self-respect, self-love. As hard as this is to hear, if she can't understand why you feel the way you do then you really have no other choice but to let her go. I mean, would she be happy if you told her gaming hoes was your hobby? I think not. Now it is entirely probable that after you go, she'll come back crying, promising to stop her hobby. Then you'll really need to play hardball with her and tell her it's you or the hobby, tell her "make your choice and choose wisely". Stay strong brother and force her hand either way. Just remember that "it's your world and she's just a squirrel tryin to get a nut". There is no compromising on this issue so don't.

Post: #28

I did Bachata a couple of times.

It was as boring as all shit.

But 2 things stood out..

The men were utter fucking creeps who seemed to get all their self worth from their estimation of their own sex appeal. Kind of guys who razor their goatees in interesting ways and wear chains on the outside of their polo necks.

The women I met were dickheads who thought that they were these dangerous counter culture vixens because they were putting their lives on hold doing shitty middle management jobs whilst spending a few hours a week rubbing up against dickheads that work in mobile phone shops, guys who disappear to the back of any group in the pub when there are genuine alphas present and yet still self-designate themselves 'players' and 'alpha men'.

Imagine the cult members at the end of that horror movie "Hereditary" - except that instead of summoning a Demon who is one of the 10 kings of hell, they just grin from ear to ear about themselves because they step, step, step around a church hall twice a week ... (but of course its all so risqué and dangerous.. etc. etc.)

Teedub - it seems like this was a shit test and by breaking up with her you actually passed it.

I don't know the ins and outs or how you might feel but I would be wary of looking at the societal odds against you Right Now,

maybe dwell on the last girl that you were sad to let go and from a distance of time consider what her faults were in retrospect.. and the faults of the one before that.. and the faults of the one before that who you thought at the time it would be hard to replace.. it can help to gain a different perspective.

Early thirties you are doing fine from an age point of view. There are plenty of us in our mid forties and up who like to lie and say that we are in our mid 30's. Young chicas' (late teens, early twenties) eyes light up when they hear that age.

Don't take my word for it-

That stupid 40 something bitch who kept a record of her 1000 tinder dates or something in an article.. she spoke about a guy in his early 30s with big biceps who pumped her and dumped her.

Forum comments were -- she's post-wall , whereas this guy, if he is in his early 30's and in shape, then he is at his peak.

I wish you well and I hope that you will feel better enough about your choices soon enough.

Post: #29

(02-16-2019 10:11 PM)Mess O. Wrote:  having a girl who's "hobby" is all about dancing with other dudes is ridiculous. You'd essentially be sharing her with an endless wealth of "pseudo-suitors".

Sorry for inserting some humor, but I can't get that infamous scene from Couples Retreat out of my mind.

Guys know when something is crossing a line even when it's not technically cheating. It's hardwired into our biology.

Post: #30

Thanks everyone for the nice words and the time taken to write your responses. I can't reply to you all directly, but know that I appreciate it and have taken on board much of what was said. I do have to respond to Durito though, as your reply irritated me somewhat. Apart from the way you used it as an excuse to brag, I'll reply directly to some points you raised.

1. I think you still haven't swallowed the pill by the way you describe her.

You've been here a month, I've been here 6 years. I don't think it's good practice to wade in accusing senior members of not being red pilled enough considering we were finishing Rollo Tomassi books when you didn't even know the manosphere existed. Furthermore, how do you expect me to describe her? Rudely? She's a nice person who did me no harm nor wishes nothing bad for me—we're two adults who decided to end a relationship, yes there were some harsh words, but that happens when love and sex are involved, especially if there's sexual jealousy component. Men are sexually jealous and possessive creatures, in a way women aren't, as evidenced by how happy women are to share a high status man be it in a cult or in an unconventional marital arrangement. I'm going off track. Point is, I'm not going to call her "a fucking slut" etc just because I'm 'red pill'.

2. I agree on your comment about carrying conversation with 20 somethings. It is something I humor during the chase but I dread once she thinks we are in a relationship.

Indeed.

3. The back and forth of this relationship tells me you are more invested than you realize, and she's not.

That's possible, sure. Perhaps ties into my earlier point about male sexual jealousy.

4. You asking her to give up her hobby speaks insecurity from miles away.

No, it shows I have a limit of tolerance. Other people have already written about this topic in their responses, and also why it wasn't a bizarre concern of mine re: dancing, and that specific type of dancing.

5. Then to top it off, it seems that you lost your frame during that heated exchange.

It was harsh and pointed, not heated. I didn't throw a tantrum.

6. Also you seem afraid of putting the work to move on with comments such as "dating gets harder etc"

It's a societal fact that it's getting harder for men. Roosh writes entire articles about it, and a large section of his latest book focuses on the changes. Lastly, I'm a daygamer by trade, so I'm the last person you should be accusing of being afraid to put in work. You'd know that if you'd been on the forum longer.

Post: #31

Right now it's almost pointless to type my logical response as you are feeling emotional from an oxytocin withdrawal, and less logical, but I'll write anyway.

The bottom line was that you were less important than her salsa dancing. Is this really a woman that you would trust to be the backbone of your family and make sacrifices for your children? Why doesn't she salsa dance with you as a compromise?

I would expect a woman that I am marrying to give up anything I asked besides her family, especially if it involved intimate contact with the opposite sex.

It's not about you overreacting to her salsa dancing, it's the fact that she would not give up a hobby to continue a relationship with you. Is she really unselfish enough to be your wife? No.

Post: #32

I feel like I'm personally being asked this question.

I've been around social dancing for many years, known how to dance for over a decade now. My thing is salsa, but I've also rubbed elbows in the bachata scene.

There are couples where the man doesn't dance, and the woman does, that have made it work.

It is exceedingly rare, but it happens.

What do these couples have in common? The woman understands the inherent risk of her situation. She has an addiction. And the failing of any addiction is exposure. Having junk food in the house makes it a lot more likely you'll eat junk food. BUT. That doesn't mean there are people who will still choose to eat celery and carrot sticks over junk food even when faced with the choice.

Back to those successful couples. How they handle this obstacle is largely out of the guys hands, unless he knows the ins and outs of social dancing intimately and knows how to carefully ask for specific behaviors without insisting on ultimatums. So, what do the women do that makes them successful?

They are never, ever, ever alone with people of the opposite sex.

Not for a drink, not for dinner, not for practice, not even walking to her fucking car. Not platonically or in any context. It is entirely possible for women to be respectful to their significant other in a social dancing context, even sensual bachata. She's in a public venue, and for many of these dancers, it's really a lot like a sport. A way to experience flow. There may be 'pretend' flirting, but it goes no further. The issue is, that dancing is often a springboard for more, and you get so many rounds to do it. There's no other activity in the world where a guy has 3-4 minutes to step up and make a first impression on an attractive girl, by physically touching her and not even having to say a word. Moreover, a girl can have anywhere between 10-40 dances in a single night. Multiply that by however many times a week she goes out. How many people here approach even near that number of new women per week? I'm sure there are a few here, but not many. The exposure is HUGE.

There's a lot of physical communication going on there, but if the communicating continues beyond that, that's where the real problem is. If you lose track of her for extended periods of time. If she's arriving at home past 2 AM, if she's meeting up to 'practice' with random guys 1 on 1, if you can't reach her by text at times when you should reach her, all these are huge red flags.

You also mentioned it was like 'her second job.' It sounds like she may be on a team. That's even more worrisome, because these people have the further benefit of extended repeated proximity, and often, 1 on 1 practice.

In short, to quote Mike Tyson, her defense must be absolutely, positively impregnable. Fucking ELITE. If not, it simply will not work. If she is good looking, she will meet a guy smooth enough, interesting enough, successful enough and aggressive enough to do the deed. Dancing is a powerful motherfucking drug.

As a final note, you may look at her as 'the one' now, but it's highly possible you may have dodged a bullet. Being a serial sensual bachata dancer is HIGH on my list of red flags. It says a lot about her that she is that addicted to something so romantically 'dangerous.' It's the absolute biggest, most attention whoring and dramatic social dance there is. I fucking hate it. If she liked salsa, it would be a different story, although with a lot of the same tripwires.

I think, and I hope, in time, that you will realize she was dope, she was great, she may have even become a good mom.

But she was definitely not perfect.

Post: #33

It sucks. But what else is option than to dealing with it.
I think that everybody has lost some girl, who was "potential one". A year ago I lost such, just because I didn´t appreciate what I have. And she wasn´t potential, she was the one and she proved it. I thought, that time will do it, but it doesn´t. I thought, that I will meet another such girl. I met a lot of girls, but none of them was worth anything.
But the point is - if you can´t do anything about whatever problem, keep moving. Maybe you will find another, maybe you won´t. Life´s an adventure and it would be boring, if we knew what will happen next 50 years. We are programmed to believe, we should meet some girl and live hapilly. But look around, it rarely works this way. This what happens to you and what you feel about, it´s just a short period on your adventure through life. Her adventure is dancing, that´s why you can´t be together. But the adventure must continue and it must be sometimes crazy, otherwise it´s worth nothing.
Keep moving and find the way how to minimalize damage, when you just don´t feel like moving forward and feel down because of some stupid emotions towards stupid girl. It´s just some chemical reactions in your head, nothing what really matters.

Post: #34

I think you clearly did the right thing. Keep dating more girls. You’re still young and have time

Post: #35

As someone in a similar situation, my advice: be grateful.

Be grateful that she gave you a reason to justify ending the relationship.

If you find a woman who would give up ANYTHING to be with you, that’s when you know you’ve really found the “one.” And if you let THAT woman go...then you’ll be an idiot like me.

Post: #36

I understand where your ex was coming from. I know lots of women like her, who also broke up with their non-dancer boyfriends over it. Some who are married would go on to have serious marital problems as well with the non-dancer husband.

Dancing was a huge part of my life, I'm very passionate about it. However, since I got together with my wife (and we met at a dance ball, we both love dancing), she only ever dances with me, she doesn't want to be touched by any other man. I no longer dance any intimate style with anyone else but her, although I'd still dance the non-intimate ones from time to time with acquaintances. That is our natural compromise, and we still go out dancing frequently together.

If I were in your position, I'd take up dancing and have a similar compromise, or at least suggest that first. I wouldn't ask my woman to quit dancing entirely just for me. Dancing together brings so many benefits to a marriage that I would be a fool not to do it.

Post: #37

(02-21-2019 10:59 PM)el_cunado Wrote:  As someone in a similar situation, my advice: be grateful.

Be grateful that she gave you a reason to justify ending the relationship.

If you find a woman who would give up ANYTHING to be with you, that’s when you know you’ve really found the “one.” And if you let THAT woman go...then you’ll be an idiot like me.

#Metoo

Post: #38

I assume this was a long distance relationship which can be hard to deal with. Add the fact the girl loves to slow dance with strange men makes it a no brainer.

I dated a few Polish girls who loved the salsa scene, they weren't strangers to the dick. I wasn't looking for anything more than fun at the time and they were loyal to me.

The girl wasn't the one if she enjoyed this type of activity.

Teedub you are in Europe, you can easily replace her.

Post: #39

On the dancing.

I was with a girl who liked salsa, bachata and tango. She said she liked it for the exercise, so I told her to take yoga or zumba instead. She eyed me up in a shit test protest, but stopped going. I told her if she wants to practice, I will practice with her, in her apartment. And she will wear he slinkiest dress or lengerie.

What you are saying seems to me that she is choosing late night sensual dance over a future with you. Words can always be forgiven if you choose to forgive.

Post: #40

Sorry about your loss Teedub. I know it's hard. If you need to spend time with people, try to be around people. If you need some time alone, try to be alone.

I think one important question might be to ask yourself, if she would've asked you to give something (reasonable) up than would have you done it for her?

For example, if she asked you to stop drinking, would you have done it for her?

If the answer is yes, that you would've given something reasonable up for her if she asked you too and said it was important to her, than you know that it wasn't a two way street in the relationship and that you made the right choice.

Two people need to be willing to make reasonable sacrifices for each other if they want to be together. Yeah, I'm sure there are a lot of top dog alpha males around here who don't budge an inch, but for most guys we will need to compromise on things that are reasonable. Likewise, the main woman in our lives should be able to do the same.

Not much else I can say that hasn't already been said. It's going to suck for a while. I know I'm just a noobie around here, but if you need someone to talk to or whatever, shoot me a PM.

Good luck buddy. You'll come out of this ok, you got this man.

Post: #41

I am with StrikeBack on this.

I think the easy compromise is you take up dancing with her.

My wife is a dancer. (Not exotic) Ballet and Contemporary but she also does choreographed shows in which guys touch her in ways you normally wouldn't approve of someone touching your wife. In fairness though about 90% of guys in these shows are homosexual.

When we go out to night clubs I dance with her (I'm not particularly good but can dance salsa, merengue, bachata with a modicum of competence) but she will also dance with some of my friends or the odd random who are obviously better dancers than me. This doesn't cause me any issues. For woman like my wife they actually just love dancing. With our daughter she sits there and tries to teach her to dance every day and my daughter can't even walk yet. I also want to add I don't get remotely aroused dancing any of these dances. I think the only guys who could possibly get sexually aroused from salsa, meregue or bachata must be on no fap for 6 months and have yet to get their balls drained in that time period. There is nothing sexually arousing about them.

I personally think there is a moderate overreaction to this. I suspect in these circuits most of the really good dancers (the type you would worry about her fawning over) are going to be homosexual. This being for the simple reason that most of the best dancers will have been learning from very young age and not have just popped up and thought fuck it I'm 25 I'm gonna become a salsa master and spend thousands of hours on it to try to get chicks. It trends gay in my experience.

If shes anything like my wife asking her to stop dancing would be an insane ask. In long term and permanent relationships there will ultimately end up being compromise but there are certain things that people may value really highly. Asking a girl who loves dance would be like asking the typical guy with a gut that sticks out 3 feet to give up beer and sports. Its a huge ask.

Go take some classes, get her to teach you as well to supplement the classes and then start going dancing with her. If shes worth it then you might as well fix it. I've had blow outs with my wife as well. I'm confident with appropriate effort you can mend it assuming you change your perspective on the dancing.

With that all said. You are still young. I'm a tad bit younger than you and my wife and I have had problems even recently about her 18, 19 year old friends basically throwing themselves at me. You are fine age wise and as a man you can ultimately travel and extend your age range.

If she is worth it and the dancing stuff is the deal breaker you can fix that. Average guy views dancing as a precursor to sex but for woman like your ex-gf and my wife it has nothing to do with that.

Post: #42

Thanks again all. Rudebwoy, no it wasn't long distance. I used to be in mainland europe but not since Xmas 2017. We both live within 10 miles of one another in the same English city. I contemplated compromise many times, of course, but it's a hangup I won't be able to get over. Regarding me doing it with her... I have no interest whatsoever in dancing unfortunately. She's admitted to me that there is a sensual nature (I think sexual too, but she'd never admit that to me) to the dancing she enjoys, girls who dance obviously aren't for me in the long term.

I've thrown myself into a gym routine which I'm becoming addicted to, and pursing other activities as Atlanta Man advised. I also went out last night with a girl I met while house viewing. Nothing serious is going to come of it, but being desired and going on dates goes some way to mending a broken heart and boosting your ego. Girls get it immediately after a break up from orbiters, friends, and social media — for men it has to be pursued.

Post: #43

If you have absolutely no interest in dancing whatsoever, then it is a sensible move for the relationship to end. You two would never be compatible in the long run. As a dancer, if I were to marry a woman who doesn't want to dance at all, it would never work either, because she would constantly dread that I was cheating, especially with me being a popular lead, and try to stop me from going.

I've been in the dance scene for more than 12 years, and I've seen enough examples to know that it can't work between one dancer and one non-dancer. However, if both dance, then the breakup or cheating rate is very rare, probably less than in the general population.