Post: #1

Aging bro here. Pushing 40. I want a kid and a family, but given my lifestyle, it's probably going to kill me to switch to a monogamous relationship from my current lifestyle where I have a different girl almost every night (more like 3 a week, plus dates w/ prospects). I've actually found a girl who wants to raise my child. My idea is I'll give her enough to live on, and we'll continue having a non-monogamous sexual relationship. I'll pay for her to live in a flat near me, and I'll continue to chase girls as always with freedom. I currently live in EE.

There are some aspects of this -- how much child support would I be on the hook for? (Also, I'm willing, in advance, to guarantee that mother and child are never living in poverty... I was thinking I would give her $2k a month.) The girl is now 32, and likely desperate, which is why she'll do this. She was a 9 when she was 22, and is still attractive -- a solid 7, and fun to be around. We dated when she was 28, and kept in touch and I occasionally hit it although she lives in another country now. There is a 2nd prospect who is 30, who I could also persuade to do this. I girl I banged for awhile until she caught me cheating. I could win her back but my nights are already filled with various women.

After living the player lifestyle for 12 years, how tough will it be to transition to a monogamous relationship? I almost married a girl a couple years ago, and it was rough trying to be monogamous. I wasn't. I cheated like crazy and it eventually did hurt our relationship. When she would go visit her parents, the #s on my phone would literally haunt me. A BJ is always one text away.

I'm also dating a sweet, innocent, 24 year old girl. She's a solid 7, an 8 on a good day, and has a job working w/ children. Baby-momma material. I'm approaching 40. She's traditional though -- 3somes/open marriage/etc. are just not in the cards. Also doesn't speak English. She would also probably tolerate a good deal of unfaithfulness from me, but it will wound her.

My dream would actually be to have multiple wives, and freedom, but, at some point one's dreams have to meet reality.

Post: #2

Ok... but what will that teach the kids? What kind of example do you want to set for them? How will they turn out as adults in an arrangement like this if it does work out between you and the girl?

Post: #3

Not ideal, but you may want to consider surrogacy.

One of my mentors in India went through this. He and his twin boys are doing well. Also, he lives in a joint family, which is very advantageous

Post: #4

(05-25-2019 01:10 AM)CleanSlate Wrote:  Ok... but what will that teach the kids? What kind of example do you want to set for them? How will they turn out as adults in an arrangement like this if it does work out between you and the girl?

These are all good points. Well, I suspect my children would also be more amenable to non-monogamy, or wouldn't want to be trapped in a monogamous marriage.

Post: #5

(05-25-2019 09:01 AM)maharajj Wrote:  Not ideal, but you may want to consider surrogacy.

One of my mentors in India went through this. He and his twin boys are doing well. Also, he lives in a joint family, which is very advantageous

Yep. That's essentially what I want. Surrogacy, with the mother doing most of the day-to-day work to raise the child.

I'd love to hear more about how he went about it.

Post: #6

I want a monogamous marriage without the state involved. I have always wanted a wife and kids but don't want her to be rewarded if she breaks her vows

Post: #7

Kids need both a full time mom and dad in a committed relationship. If you are unwilling / unable to do that.. don't have kids.

Post: #8

(05-25-2019 09:14 AM)Ceasar Wrote:  

(05-25-2019 09:01 AM)maharajj Wrote:  Not ideal, but you may want to consider surrogacy.

One of my mentors in India went through this. He and his twin boys are doing well. Also, he lives in a joint family, which is very advantageous

Yep. That's essentially what I want. Surrogacy, with the mother doing most of the day-to-day work to raise the child.

I'd love to hear more about how he went about it.

If you have a chunk of money, you can do anything you want. If you don't have a chunk of money then you're fantasizing. 2k a months is a joke. What if the kid gets sick and needs a bunch of medical care? Be prepared to spend every dime you have.

Besides, the best thing about having kids, without exception, is raising them. Teaching your boy to hit the baseball. If you don't want that, wtf are you doing having kids? Why not just donate sperm? Not passing judgement, just don't understand the point.

Post: #9

@Ceasar

Agree that you can run a harem of sorts if you are financially loaded.

The downsides of not being around is that:
1. The mother will still seek physical and emotional intimacy and there is a chance you will you get cucked down the line

2. The children don't have their father around. Very important for balanced kids.

If you are not financially loaded then doing this is setting yourself up for a world of pain, as you add financial insecurity to her woes but you still have the financial obligation to contribute whatever little you have. You have less flexibility to see other girls in this situation too.

I think for many men here, choosing the free-wheeling player lifestyle vs. settling down as a family man is an either/or decision. The issue then becomes transitioning from the former to the latter (there is a lot of material on the forum about this).

Having said that, there are some excellent posts by the likes of Laner and Montrose about running a family whilst still getting some on the side. Not quite the level of independence you are talking about but a more realistic compromise that allows you to be a full-time father and part-time player.

Post: #10

You're not ready for a kid.

If you don't want to raise it, then you don't want one bad enough.

Post: #11

(05-25-2019 09:14 AM)Ceasar Wrote:  

(05-25-2019 09:01 AM)maharajj Wrote:  Not ideal, but you may want to consider surrogacy.

One of my mentors in India went through this. He and his twin boys are doing well. Also, he lives in a joint family, which is very advantageous

Yep. That's essentially what I want. Surrogacy, with the mother doing most of the day-to-day work to raise the child.

You misunderstood. His joint family *helps*, but it's he who does most of the work, and he enjoys it. Yes, it's very exhausting (remember he has not one, but two 4-year olds!), but he says that it's worth it.

Remember, the Surrogacy option is *cheaper, not ideal* both in the short-term (although the surrogacy costs and obligations are very high, especially for a single Hindu male) and in the long-term (no divorce rape!)

Post: #12

(05-25-2019 08:03 PM)MrLemon Wrote:  

(05-25-2019 09:14 AM)Ceasar Wrote:  

(05-25-2019 09:01 AM)maharajj Wrote:  Not ideal, but you may want to consider surrogacy.

One of my mentors in India went through this. He and his twin boys are doing well. Also, he lives in a joint family, which is very advantageous

Yep. That's essentially what I want. Surrogacy, with the mother doing most of the day-to-day work to raise the child.

I'd love to hear more about how he went about it.

If you have a chunk of money, you can do anything you want. If you don't have a chunk of money then you're fantasizing. 2k a months is a joke. What if the kid gets sick and needs a bunch of medical care? Be prepared to spend every dime you have.

Besides, the best thing about having kids, without exception, is raising them. Teaching your boy to hit the baseball. If you don't want that, wtf are you doing having kids? Why not just donate sperm? Not passing judgement, just don't understand the point.

Re: what if the kid gets sick? He will be covered by my employer's insurance policy. Anyway, I'm easily in the top .5% in income where I live.

Didn't say I don't want to be involved at all in my kids life. I want to be very involved. Women tend to do 80-90% of child-care. They are better nurturers, they produce breast-milk, and I have a full-time job whereas my babymomma won't work. I will be more involved than 95% of fathers. I read the average Japanese father spends 8 minutes a day w/ their kids. I'm prepared to do much, much more than that.

Post: #13

(05-25-2019 09:43 PM)maharajj Wrote:  

(05-25-2019 09:14 AM)Ceasar Wrote:  

(05-25-2019 09:01 AM)maharajj Wrote:  Not ideal, but you may want to consider surrogacy.

One of my mentors in India went through this. He and his twin boys are doing well. Also, he lives in a joint family, which is very advantageous

Yep. That's essentially what I want. Surrogacy, with the mother doing most of the day-to-day work to raise the child.

You misunderstood. His joint family *helps*, but it's he who does most of the work, and he enjoys it. Yes, it's very exhausting (remember he has not one, but two 4-year olds!), but he says that it's worth it.

Remember, the Surrogacy option is *cheaper, not ideal* both in the short-term (although the surrogacy costs and obligations are very high, especially for a single Hindu male) and in the long-term (no divorce rape!)

I didn't write clearly. I want a surrogate (-ish) mother, only one that will stick around and also be a real mother. Seems wrong/cruel to have the woman just disappear after giving birth. Maybe it's more accurate to write that I want an open marriage, only, not marry officially (no divorce rape). I would certainly try to be as involved in the child's life as any father. I would have two apartments close to each other. A family pad and a bachelor's pad. I would continue having the parade of women I now enjoy, but would probably spend more or most of my time in the apartment with my child and mother.

Sure, a real downside is that this girl won't be monogamous either. If I'm gonna be sleeping with a different woman every night, it's going to be hard to ask the wife to be completely monogamous. Anyway, in 10 years, this girl is going to be going down-hill fast. I'll still be able to tap 25-30 year olds, particularly if my income/net worth trajectory continues on the current path.

The alternative is to try to go for a monogamous relationship. It's just been really hard for me to do that in the past, when surrounded by willing girls. The last one I did, my gf at least at first allowed threesomes. This I can sign up for. After some time she said no more to that. She was a career girl as well, which annoyed me. My sense is that, naturally, I'm just not built for a monogamous relationship. I imagine a lot of guys on this forum are in a similar situation. Most men are monogamous b/c they simply don't have options. Men that do, and have the will-power not to, as well as Catholic priests who have the will-power not to have sex, have my respect. I'm not so strong-willed when it comes to passing up trysts with hot 20 year olds.