Post: #1

I have a really big problem with my life because of my parents

I am 21, I am still studying and living with my parents because my income is pretty low. So my problem is this: I don't usually give a shit about what people say or think about me and my decisions. But whenever I make a decision my parents' opinion is a big deal for my brain.
I have a variety of OCD so even if am sure about something if i tell to my parents and they think it is a really bad choice or whatever, my brain automatically start thinking compulsively about how disappointed my parents are going to be.
So at the end, the decision that was easy becomes hard, because i hate to put the people i love sad because of me.

My parents never support my goals or my decisions so it is pretty hard for me to deal with this stuff even if at the end i do whatever i want.

Any tip for for overcoming this problem? I need to feel FREE, totally free, and not conditioned because of my parents' opinion.
Please help

Post: #2

Most parents will raise you to become an obedient beta. while it is true that they give solid advice about life sometimes and you should consider their opinions they are completely unable to understand and relate to what it's like to be a young guy in the west nowadays I'm about your age just a bit older (I'm in my mid 20's).

Their generation had an easy life and garanteed jobs with no education they are not living in the same world. I used to be like you but in the end, I now completely ignore what they think and don't talk to any important subjects about my life with them.

Post: #3

(02-28-2019 04:39 AM)LeBaron Wrote:  Most parents will raise you to become an obedient beta. while it is true that they give solid advice about life sometimes and you should consider their opinions they are completely unable to understand and relate to what it's like to be a young guy in the west nowadays I'm about your age just a bit older (I'm in my mid 20's).

Their generation had an easy life and garanteed jobs with no education they are not living in the same world. I used to be like you but in the end, I now completely ignore what they think and don't talk to any important subjects about my life with them.

Thank you a lot for your advice man
I think like you do, but as you say i am really beta in that area. Need to keep working on it.

Post: #4

No one will ever be able to get under your skin like your parents. I catch myself being very reactive if we get into it over something small, which with anyone else I won’t do. I’ve seen the same thing in my friends as well. I’m actually super lucky that my parents are very successful and quality people/parents but there is some programming they have inevitably ingrained in me as my parents that I have been dealing with, mainly just that they want me to follow the safe route and get married and all that. There’s also a generational gap where I feel like they think what I’m interested in and what I want to do is dumb and they don’t take me very seriously. Some of it is probably my fault.

But I’d say I’m a lot luckier than most in terms of parents. I don’t believe in white privilege or male privilege, bc every group has some advantages over another, but I do think parent privilege has some weight. I think coming into the world with some solid parents can be a huge advantage, although some people still screw it up.

Now that I’m done rambling, for your situation I’d say for you keep your head down, save $$ and grind until you can leave and then show them what’s up by just doing it once you’re out on your own.

Post: #5

I generally believe that parents have your well-being at heart. That’s not to say that they will necessary encourage you to be masculine or red-pilled.

By depending on someone for support, you inadvertently succumb to their will - or at least you need to consider their wishes.

It’s kind of normal to depend on your parents while you’re a student. Hopefully you are studying something worthwhile that will lead to a job and career.

Study, land a job, make some money and move out. Part of being a man is finding your own way, paying your own way, and the satisfaction that comes from it.

Post: #6

(02-28-2019 04:04 AM)Unikorn Wrote:  I have a really big problem with my life because of my parents

I am 21, I am still studying and living with my parents because my income is pretty low. So my problem is this: I don't usually give a shit about what people say or think about me and my decisions. But whenever I make a decision my parents' opinion is a big deal for my brain.
I have a variety of OCD so even if am sure about something if i tell to my parents and they think it is a really bad choice or whatever, my brain automatically start thinking compulsively about how disappointed my parents are going to be.
So at the end, the decision that was easy becomes hard, because i hate to put the people i love sad because of me.

My parents never support my goals or my decisions so it is pretty hard for me to deal with this stuff even if at the end i do whatever i want.

Any tip for for overcoming this problem? I need to feel FREE, totally free, and not conditioned because of my parents' opinion.
Please help

How long before you can leave their house, permanently?

I ask because CaptainCup is correct. You will not be able to resolve this until you are your own man, and not a dependent.

Post: #7

(02-28-2019 04:04 AM)Unikorn Wrote:  I have a really big problem with my life because of my parents

I am 21, I am still studying and living with my parents because my income is pretty low. So my problem is this: I don't usually give a shit about what people say or think about me and my decisions. But whenever I make a decision my parents' opinion is a big deal for my brain.
I have a variety of OCD so even if am sure about something if i tell to my parents and they think it is a really bad choice or whatever, my brain automatically start thinking compulsively about how disappointed my parents are going to be.
So at the end, the decision that was easy becomes hard, because i hate to put the people i love sad because of me.

My parents never support my goals or my decisions so it is pretty hard for me to deal with this stuff even if at the end i do whatever i want.

Any tip for for overcoming this problem? I need to feel FREE, totally free, and not conditioned because of my parents' opinion.
Please help

Your parents love you unconditionally (especially your mother). Their DNA is tricking them to love you, because you carry their genes.

Although you should not doubt their love, you should certainly question all their advice and life decisions. Judge everyone by their results.

For example if a father is giving advise on how to make money, I would ask him whether he is a millionaire himself? If a mother is telling her son what girls like, you should ask yourself 'has she banged at least 5-10 women to be qualified to answer this question?'

Personally I know my mother loves me but at the same time I dismiss about 99% of the life advice she gives me (I'm 30 now). Agree and amplify all the way Honestly I think a woman's life advice can be safely disregarded by anyone over the age of 10 who wants to achieve anything in his life.

If you move out of your parent's house, communication and contact with them will be minimal and your problem will be largely solved. I used to be in a similar situation like you but now that I live alone most of this problem took care of its self.

Being in your 20s and still living with your family is of course perfectly understandable in today's society/economy but also completely unnatural and unhealthy from an evolutionary perspective.

From all the things you said, I would focus all my efforts on this: 'my income is pretty low'. Focus on financial independence - the earlier the better. Contrary to what people tell you, financial freedom will solve a lot of your current problems.

Post: #8

Make small decisions that don't involve your parents and keep moving up to bigger ones. This will desensitize your need for their approval. Start with things that were just beyond your reach and then move on to the next thing you think is 1% beyond your reach.

Post: #9

A lot of good responses above.

I've typed this in a few threads, but I think it's good advice whenever strong emotions are at play. If possible, go find a good older male psychologist you can talk to. A guy who will ask you the right questions to get you to deal with those deep seated emotions in a healthy way.

I know this is often unpopular, but it sure did help me deal with mommy/daddy issues when I was going through my divorce, as well as how to process emotions since then.

If you can find a mentor (definition being a guy who's effective (at work, with girls, socially, whatever context) but who understands the subtext of what's going on and understands emotions). A lot of times it simply helps to be honest with another guy about things. Start small, then let the conversation happen. You'd be surprised at how many guys have at least some understanding of their emotions.

Talking is thinking and vice versa, and both are closely tied to your emotions. Find someone you can talk it out with.

Post: #10

(02-28-2019 04:04 AM)Unikorn Wrote:  My parents never support my goals or my decisions so it is pretty hard for me to deal with this stuff even if at the end i do whatever i want.

Any tip for for overcoming this problem? I need to feel FREE, totally free, and not conditioned because of my parents' opinion. Please help

I don't know if it helps you, but when I was 21, I made some drastic changes that my father did not approve of, including moving 1,000 miles away with no job lined up, just a couple of leads on call center jobs.

He had a vision of me living in a rat-trap apartment somewhere because he'd struggled where we lived, and assumed I'd just be struggling alone somewhere else where he couldn't help me.

...and at times, I did struggle, but it was a huge step forward and things got better and better with hard work. The struggle was repaid because I followed opportunities as they came to me.

It was close to fifteen years before my father admitted to me that while he missed me and wished I was there, that he wasn't just proud of me but actually realized that I had done the right thing going my own way and ignoring his advice.

It's not something I ever beat myself up over, but it meant a lot to hear that, and it took over a decade for him to say that out loud.

Depending on where your parents are coming from with it, you may or may not ever get to hear that, but you'll still be doing the right thing by setting yourself on an independent course, because you are the one who has to live your own life. When they are gone and can no longer help you, you will still be living with the consequences of the decisions you made - or allowed them to make for you - and even if you don't get everything right, you'll be happier doing it on your own terms instead of resenting the outcome you get from their choices.

Post: #11

At the end of the day its you that set your own goals. Family is important, but their opinion is meaningless if you consider that you´re going towards your life goals. Yes, you will fuck up sometimes. it happens. Getting their perspective is important because theyve lived longer and generally want the best for you. However, There are old fashioned parents that dont see the big picture. Consider their perspective but approach your life goals if thats what you really want. It will take longer but it will be worth it.

Post: #12

I think this goes towards how you respond to things. Ive been there before too man. When i was back home i was studying to get the hell out of the city. One morning while studying at the kitchen table my mother came in and asked what i was studying for,i told her ,she then said “you cant do it,your not focused enough” . That wasnt the last time.

It pissed me off but that only made me work harder towards that goal of leaving.

Channel that energy into your goals and you will be alright. Also i think you should get a plan together to move out if you havent already

Post: #13

1) Your parents genuinely love you and want the best for you
2) ...But that "best for you" is based on their biased perspective
3) Ultimately, what they want is for them to feel good about what you are doing, therefore they are putting their own interests before yours, which makes them selfish, like all humans are. This applies especially to your mom, and to a lesser extend to your dad.

And this is totally fine, referring to point 1 mentioned above. They can't help it, and they are genuinely trying to help you and guide you the best way they can.

What they don't realize is point 3, that they are primarily acting in their own best interest and not yours, and it is futile to try and make them realize that. Don't.

So here's how to deal with them:

Mom: Agree and amplify what she says, then disregard it and do what you were going to do anyway. This really isn't much different from dealing with any other woman.

Dad: Look at what he did/does first and look at what he says second. Follow his example in everything you agree with and challenge him on everything you don't agree with. I don't mean challenge him in a hostile way, but rather acknowledge his opinion and then prove him wrong in a non-embarassing way. If you can't prove him wrong, save face and take his advice, then try again.

Post: #14

Join the military.

Post: #15

(02-28-2019 10:46 AM)Baphomet Wrote:  

(02-28-2019 04:04 AM)Unikorn Wrote:  I have a really big problem with my life because of my parents

I am 21, I am still studying and living with my parents because my income is pretty low. So my problem is this: I don't usually give a shit about what people say or think about me and my decisions. But whenever I make a decision my parents' opinion is a big deal for my brain.
I have a variety of OCD so even if am sure about something if i tell to my parents and they think it is a really bad choice or whatever, my brain automatically start thinking compulsively about how disappointed my parents are going to be.
So at the end, the decision that was easy becomes hard, because i hate to put the people i love sad because of me.

My parents never support my goals or my decisions so it is pretty hard for me to deal with this stuff even if at the end i do whatever i want.

Any tip for for overcoming this problem? I need to feel FREE, totally free, and not conditioned because of my parents' opinion.
Please help

How long before you can leave their house, permanently?

I ask because CaptainCup is correct. You will not be able to resolve this until you are your own man, and not a dependent.

Hopefully in a couple of year i would have enough money to move out, maybe three.

Post: #16

(02-28-2019 11:07 AM)the.king Wrote:  

(02-28-2019 04:04 AM)Unikorn Wrote:  I have a really big problem with my life because of my parents

I am 21, I am still studying and living with my parents because my income is pretty low. So my problem is this: I don't usually give a shit about what people say or think about me and my decisions. But whenever I make a decision my parents' opinion is a big deal for my brain.
I have a variety of OCD so even if am sure about something if i tell to my parents and they think it is a really bad choice or whatever, my brain automatically start thinking compulsively about how disappointed my parents are going to be.
So at the end, the decision that was easy becomes hard, because i hate to put the people i love sad because of me.

My parents never support my goals or my decisions so it is pretty hard for me to deal with this stuff even if at the end i do whatever i want.

Any tip for for overcoming this problem? I need to feel FREE, totally free, and not conditioned because of my parents' opinion.
Please help

Your parents love you unconditionally (especially your mother). Their DNA is tricking them to love you, because you carry their genes.

Although you should not doubt their love, you should certainly question all their advice and life decisions. Judge everyone by their results.

For example if a father is giving advise on how to make money, I would ask him whether he is a millionaire himself? If a mother is telling her son what girls like, you should ask yourself 'has she banged at least 5-10 women to be qualified to answer this question?'

Personally I know my mother loves me but at the same time I dismiss about 99% of the life advice she gives me (I'm 30 now). Agree and amplify all the way Honestly I think a woman's life advice can be safely disregarded by anyone over the age of 10 who wants to achieve anything in his life.

If you move out of your parent's house, communication and contact with them will be minimal and your problem will be largely solved. I used to be in a similar situation like you but now that I live alone most of this problem took care of its self.

Being in your 20s and still living with your family is of course perfectly understandable in today's society/economy but also completely unnatural and unhealthy from an evolutionary perspective.

From all the things you said, I would focus all my efforts on this: 'my income is pretty low'. Focus on financial independence - the earlier the better. Contrary to what people tell you, financial freedom will solve a lot of your current problems.

That is what i am looking for, my biggest goal is to have financial freedom asap. I put all my efforts on that, and the problem is that, they do think that my choices for "financial freedom" are really bad, that at the end i will be poor...and negative feedback.

As i said i don't rlly give fuck about others opinion buy my parents usually play with my mind to feel bad with myself if i do things differently from studying 24/7 and having great qualifications. I am studying, passing my exams but that is not my focus at all. I am looking to make my own business with some partners and investing my money as well as i can.

So thank you for your advice, and i will work even harder to get that money

Post: #17

(02-28-2019 04:32 PM)Jetset Wrote:  

(02-28-2019 04:04 AM)Unikorn Wrote:  My parents never support my goals or my decisions so it is pretty hard for me to deal with this stuff even if at the end i do whatever i want.

Any tip for for overcoming this problem? I need to feel FREE, totally free, and not conditioned because of my parents' opinion. Please help

I don't know if it helps you, but when I was 21, I made some drastic changes that my father did not approve of, including moving 1,000 miles away with no job lined up, just a couple of leads on call center jobs.

He had a vision of me living in a rat-trap apartment somewhere because he'd struggled where we lived, and assumed I'd just be struggling alone somewhere else where he couldn't help me.

...and at times, I did struggle, but it was a huge step forward and things got better and better with hard work. The struggle was repaid because I followed opportunities as they came to me.

It was close to fifteen years before my father admitted to me that while he missed me and wished I was there, that he wasn't just proud of me but actually realized that I had done the right thing going my own way and ignoring his advice.

It's not something I ever beat myself up over, but it meant a lot to hear that, and it took over a decade for him to say that out loud.

Depending on where your parents are coming from with it, you may or may not ever get to hear that, but you'll still be doing the right thing by setting yourself on an independent course, because you are the one who has to live your own life. When they are gone and can no longer help you, you will still be living with the consequences of the decisions you made - or allowed them to make for you - and even if you don't get everything right, you'll be happier doing it on your own terms instead of resenting the outcome you get from their choices.

Rlly inspiring story bro, thank you for your time and advice