Post: #1

I'll admit that I'm a beta/omega or whatever you want to call it. Honestly, I'm still dealing with the emotional issues that come with being sexually abused at eight.

For the past few months, I've cracked goofy jokes and acted goofy in order to try to diffuse my immense feelings of discomfort. Obviously this doesn't work. Especially since I reach a point at about ~5 minutes into conversation where I start to feel really uncomfortable and walk away. My new approach right now is going to be, strike up a conversation, talk as long as I can in a calm cool and collected way, then try (even if it's awkwardly done) to slowly escalate things over time.

Any suggestions on basic things you do in conversation and things you do to deal with discomfort would be a real big help.

Thanks in advance.

Post: #2

Similar background.

I would suggest counseling, therapy, a 12 step program, No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw and lots of journal writing,meditation, affirmations, and testimony sharing. Yeah, it is a lot of stuff but better to start now than be one guy I know who is near 40 with very little sexual experience outside of the babysitter that was fucking him at eight (harsh but true).

In terms of anxiety, deep breathing, focusing on something outside of yourself, and affirmations like "I can handle it, no matter what happens I can handle it" help. The anxiety won't go away though unless you DO what you are afraid of. I've been doing personal development-self help for over ten years. Despite what a psychologist tells you, you will not get over a childhood issue by contemplation. Taking action is the only way, even though it can be very painful at times.

Post: #3

You might need professional help given the circumstances. On the other hand, you might just need experience. Immerse yourself in uncomfortable situations as often as you can. That's how I overcame my social awkwardness and insecurities.

Post: #4

(03-31-2012 08:27 AM)Commander Shepard Wrote:  Similar background.

I would suggest counseling, therapy, a 12 step program, No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw and lots of journal writing,meditation, affirmations, and testimony sharing. Yeah, it is a lot of stuff but better to start now than be one guy I know who is near 40 with very little sexual experience outside of the babysitter that was fucking him at eight (harsh but true).

In terms of anxiety, deep breathing, focusing on something outside of yourself, and affirmations like "I can handle it, no matter what happens I can handle it" help. The anxiety won't go away though unless you DO what you are afraid of. I've been doing personal development-self help for over ten years. Despite what a psychologist tells you, you will not get over a childhood issue by contemplation. Taking action is the only way, even though it can be very painful at times.

Commander,

Good advice. You sort of answered some of your own questions.

But, your signature has a self defeating tone???

"Newbie looking to start working on his game in Summer 2012. Currently stuck in self-imposed exile in the Newbie section of RVF"

Why are you in "self-imposed exile"? You are free to ask questions and comment in any thread, any time.

You are not "stuck" anywhere. You are free to do whatever the fuck you want.

"looking to start working on your game in Summer 2012"?

Why not start now?

Be more aggressive. Stop being a pussy!

Post: #5

(04-01-2012 03:22 PM)Giovonny Wrote:  

(03-31-2012 08:27 AM)Commander Shepard Wrote:  Similar background.

I would suggest counseling, therapy, a 12 step program, No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw and lots of journal writing,meditation, affirmations, and testimony sharing. Yeah, it is a lot of stuff but better to start now than be one guy I know who is near 40 with very little sexual experience outside of the babysitter that was fucking him at eight (harsh but true).

In terms of anxiety, deep breathing, focusing on something outside of yourself, and affirmations like "I can handle it, no matter what happens I can handle it" help. The anxiety won't go away though unless you DO what you are afraid of. I've been doing personal development-self help for over ten years. Despite what a psychologist tells you, you will not get over a childhood issue by contemplation. Taking action is the only way, even though it can be very painful at times.

Commander,

Good advice. You sort of answered some of your own questions.

But, your signature has a self defeating tone???

"Newbie looking to start working on his game in Summer 2012. Currently stuck in self-imposed exile in the Newbie section of RVF"

Why are you in "self-imposed exile"? You are free to ask questions and comment in any thread, any time.

You are not "stuck" anywhere. You are free to do whatever the fuck you want.

"looking to start working on your game in Summer 2012"?

Why not start now?

Be more aggressive. Stop being a pussy!

I need to put your last sentence on my mirror and read it every time I look at myself. Thanks for the perspective.

Post: #6

This is going to be unconventional advice - But my advice would be to go to a rave and do some MDMA. And do this like, 10 times, no more than once every week or two though. Here's why.

The effect of MDMA essentially makes you love everyone and allows you to see everyone as human beings and love them as such. It removes all social barriers and for a period of about 4-6 hours, you'll feel completely whole and loved. You'll be able to walk up to anyone and share your deepest secrets. Any compliments people give you will sink in, deeply into your soul in a way that compliments generally don't. If you do it with other people on MDMA, you'll be able to share your deepest insecurities and ask people what they think about you and know they'll give you a genuine answer, one not hindered by social constructs. You'll get real honest opinions about why people like you, what people see in you, etc and have it all really sink in.

The first time I ever did MDMA, I had an incredibly deep conversation about why a girl was and wasn't into me, with her. She was a girl I'd made out with before, but she went home with someone else. She told me, in detail, the things about me that she was attracted to, as well as the things about me that she wasn't attracted to. Everything she told me had that ring of "something that feels true."

After the conversation, a lot of insecurity was released. I then asked her, will zero barriers and absolute genuineness, "[name,] will you love me for who I am?" (As a genuine request.) She said "OF COURSE" and we cuddled. It was immensely healing.

Anyway - What I'm trying to say is, this substance help you have incredibly healing experiences, it can show you things about people that'll help you realize just how easy it is to talk to them and in general will benefit you greatly as a human being and as a social creature.

So, that's my unconventional bit of advice. I grew up in an abusive family and was picked on in middle and high school. I've gotten over a lot of that stuff today. I can recommend more stuff as well, things that have worked for me, if you want.

Cheers,

- Dare

P.S. I double-checked the rules, it didn't say anything against advising something illegal. Since people talk about prostitution here as well, I figured it's okay.

Post: #7

(04-01-2012 06:23 PM)DareP Wrote:  This is going to be unconventional advice - But my advice would be to go to a rave and do some MDMA.

This is great advice! They are even studying this stuff at Harvard and Princeton now!

MDMA gets you out of your brain and into reality!

They are trying to use it to treat depressed people! It works.

Harvard is always on the cutting edge of science!

Post: #8

That shit can kill you fast in the long term if you do it more than 2-3 times a year. I don't recommend it for common use.

Post: #9

Ecstasy is a girl's drug and people shove it in their asses to kick it in faster. Just get high and go to the mall so you won't be all there and get so nervous when talking to girls.

Post: #10

(04-02-2012 06:00 PM)Gmac Wrote:  That shit can kill you fast in the long term if you do it more than 2-3 times a year. I don't recommend it for common use.

That's just B.S. As in, factually completely off base. I've done it about 10 times, sometimes in a close period of time and I'm absolutely, perfectly fine.

I know a girl who did it twice a week for quite a while and she's one of the most loving, socially popular in an everyone genuinely loves her kind of way. She attributes her deep love for people to the experiences and conversations she had on MDMA.

Anecdotal evidence aside, MDMA does deplete serotonin. If you over use it, it alter your serotonin receptors. However, doing it once every 2 weeks or so for a few months then doing it every once in a while to help yourself adjust socially will have very little to no negative impact.

I'd recommend checking out Erowid's info if curious about MDMA and anything related to it, including experiences, health risks, research and so on:

http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/mdma/mdma.shtml

But saying 2-3 times a year causes permanent damage is just riduculously far off base. If you do it once a week or more for a long period of time, taking high dosage with each time, you can cause damage. If you do one dose a month, you're absolutely in the safe zone, IMO.

Quote:Ecstasy is a girl's drug and people shove it in their asses to kick it in faster. Just get high and go to the mall so you won't be all there and get so nervous when talking to girls.

Also a very bad idea. You don't want to be rolling in a mall. That's fucking ridiculous. Go to a rave where everyone else is rolling (on MDMA) or do it with friends. Be in an environment where you won't stand out.

Post: #11

I said GET HIGH, not rolling on a pill homie. As in smoke some bud.

Post: #12

(03-31-2012 08:27 AM)Commander Shepard Wrote:  In terms of anxiety, deep breathing, focusing on something outside of yourself, and affirmations like "I can handle it, no matter what happens I can handle it" help. The anxiety won't go away though unless you DO what you are afraid of. I've been doing personal development-self help for over ten years. Despite what a psychologist tells you, you will not get over a childhood issue by contemplation. Taking action is the only way, even though it can be very painful at times.

Sounds good. Recently when I've felt nervous in a loud social setting, I start saying calm things to myself, or imagining the sound of wave crashing. I has helped, and has been a way better way to deal with feelings of discomfort, rather than my usual 'act like a goofy jackass' approach to dealing with these intense feelings. I appreciate this advice.

(03-31-2012 06:09 PM)Gmac Wrote:  You might need professional help given the circumstances. On the other hand, you might just need experience. Immerse yourself in uncomfortable situations as often as you can. That's how I overcame my social awkwardness and insecurities.

I went to therapy for sixth months, so I think action is what I need to take right now. I have to a certain level, but it feels like there is this massive wall between talking and taking things to "the next level". For whatever reason, I just keep making these excuses to not take action, even when I want to, when it comes to sexual things.

(04-01-2012 06:23 PM)DareP Wrote:  This is going to be unconventional advice - But my advice would be to go to a rave and do some MDMA. And do this like, 10 times, no more than once every week or two though. Here's why.

I've taken ecstasy once and it was a pretty cool experience. Although, I feel like the rave scene isn't my bag. If I do end up going to more raves, I'll take ecstasy again, but I don't think I'm going to seek out that particular method of overcoming problems.

(04-02-2012 06:20 PM)houston Wrote:  Ecstasy is a girl's drug and people shove it in their asses to kick it in faster. Just get high and go to the mall so you won't be all there and get so nervous when talking to girls.

Summer is coming and one of my best friends from high school is a huge pothead, so I think I'm gonna try this a couple times. I'm imagining it now, and it sounds like a good story.


Also, I'll be honest. The main reason I started this thread is that I have been really frustrated recently. I feel like I have been stuck at square one for the LONGEST fucking time. I feel like I have evolved in a lot of areas since I have started working and re-working my personality and sense of being one and a half years ago, except for one area. My ability to be sexually aggressive. I just cannot seem to touch people. I don't enjoy it, in fact I actively avoid it. I can't give people real hugs or real handshakes. It is just something that is so frustrating. I obviously need to take the plunge and just go for it.

I know venting on some forum is not optimal, but I don't want to complain about this to my friends either. I've vented a little bit to one of my friends that knows about what happened to me, and I've decided that I'm not going to speak about this out here in the real world anymore. Since I know that complaining and sharing negative feelings is one of the quickest ways to kill a friendship.

Man, I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I know that I'm just gonna have to suck it up and draw from the place inside me that is really strong as a person and push forward.

Either way, thanks guys for reading and for the suggestions. I really appreciate it.

Post: #13

(04-02-2012 06:58 PM)DareP Wrote:  

(04-02-2012 06:00 PM)Gmac Wrote:  That shit can kill you fast in the long term if you do it more than 2-3 times a year. I don't recommend it for common use.

That's just B.S. As in, factually completely off base. I've done it about 10 times, sometimes in a close period of time and I'm absolutely, perfectly fine.

I know a girl who did it twice a week for quite a while and she's one of the most loving, socially popular in an everyone genuinely loves her kind of way. She attributes her deep love for people to the experiences and conversations she had on MDMA.

Anecdotal evidence aside, MDMA does deplete serotonin. If you over use it, it alter your serotonin receptors. However, doing it once every 2 weeks or so for a few months then doing it every once in a while to help yourself adjust socially will have very little to no negative impact.

I'd recommend checking out Erowid's info if curious about MDMA and anything related to it, including experiences, health risks, research and so on:

http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/mdma/mdma.shtml

But saying 2-3 times a year causes permanent damage is just riduculously far off base. If you do it once a week or more for a long period of time, taking high dosage with each time, you can cause damage. If you do one dose a month, you're absolutely in the safe zone, IMO.

Quote:Ecstasy is a girl's drug and people shove it in their asses to kick it in faster. Just get high and go to the mall so you won't be all there and get so nervous when talking to girls.

Also a very bad idea. You don't want to be rolling in a mall. That's fucking ridiculous. Go to a rave where everyone else is rolling (on MDMA) or do it with friends. Be in an environment where you won't stand out.

Justify it all you want, we had a thread on this a few months ago. Verdict was that it's very harmful unless you're only doing it a few times a year. Why would you even want to risk it?

Post: #14

All or nothing - i used to get always smoke and go to the mall, stores, wherever when i was about 17, 18, 19. i highly recommend this if you're having problems approaching and getting nervous because i was once in the same boat. try this out and report back. i don't think you have anything to lose at this point.

bob marley "When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself."

Post: #15

Writing your issues in a journal helps a lot.

I think once you are conscious of what exactly you are uncomfortable with you can start to confront them. For example, I noticed I would look away from women if they looked me in the eye. I wrote down the behavior I was doing, that I was not proud of, and wrote a new behavior to practice on an index card, reminded myself every morning of the desired behavior, and now I can look women in the eye no problem (though there is discomfort).

I think that is just CBT in a nutshell but it is helping me out.

Also, having confidence in your game helps as well. I noticed when I had a social lever I knew how to pull with confidence asserting myself in life became a lot easier.

Post: #16

Advocating the use of a chemical drug is dumb. You can always spot who's on MDMA at jams. The broads are completely sketched out and overly loving, yes the melt in your arms like butter when you game them but just like butter you get a unsatisfied greasy feeling.

Only drug I would advocate is shrooms for a out of body experience to help cope with internal issues. It has been used for thousands of years for this exact purpose for people to get out of "themselves" and view things in a much bigger and complete view.

I give you a lot of credit OP you seem leaps and bounds better then where I was just starting game. Even know I have digressed so much I feel like a noob again. I freeze up in social situations and I am finding it difficult ti approach. I have been having bad luck in other relms of my life and its starting to leak through.

Gmac offers solid advice you must expose yourself to the akwardness to avoid the ill feelings it imposes. With time the situations feel so small and easy to power through. I found this to be true when things were rolling smoothly I could be strategic and rifle off approaches or just tale it up with anybody and build up a 'soap box" to project myself form there.

Post: #17

I usually try to do shit with a good friend of mine. Being around other people increases my confidence, and I can usually ride that confidence through the entire interaction.

He's a close enough friend that I've explained a bunch of shit to him and he knows what to do. I dont take him with me to approaches so incase I run out of shit to say he can come and save me. He's one of those dudes that thats good at telling stories and people like. Plus he will not allow me to puss out.

Do not bring a friends who sucks. Even Jesus was choosy with his wingmen and for good reason; morons fuck shit up.

If you are alone or dont have friends try to have an extended social interaction at some point that day or watch tv shows with good dialog. Having a conversation with someone gets me into a more social mindset.

Post: #18

(03-30-2012 08:12 PM)All or Nothing Wrote:  I'll admit that I'm a beta/omega or whatever you want to call it. Honestly, I'm still dealing with the emotional issues that come with being sexually abused at eight.

For the past few months, I've cracked goofy jokes and acted goofy in order to try to diffuse my immense feelings of discomfort. Obviously this doesn't work. Especially since I reach a point at about ~5 minutes into conversation where I start to feel really uncomfortable and walk away. My new approach right now is going to be, strike up a conversation, talk as long as I can in a calm cool and collected way, then try (even if it's awkwardly done) to slowly escalate things over time.

Any suggestions on basic things you do in conversation and things you do to deal with discomfort would be a real big help.

Thanks in advance.

Just take a small dose of alprazolam when you feel anxious and you will be O.K.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alprazolam

Post: #19

(04-04-2012 05:11 PM)kosko Wrote:  Only drug I would advocate is shrooms for a out of body experience to help cope with internal issues. It has been used for thousands of years for this exact purpose for people to get out of "themselves" and view things in a much bigger and complete view.

Yeah, Shrooms are great for mind expansion. They helped me alot.

Steve Jobs said they helped him alot too.

MDMA helped me too. Only did it once, that was enough.

/thread-6998.html

Post: #20

Personally, I'm against chems to solve real life problems. Things don't get solved thanks to drugs, things get solved by hard work and not giving up.
I'm talking from experience about this. I used antidepressants recently, for a period of 5-6 months.
It's the same thing as taking a pain killer. The things that led for you to getting a headache don't get solved, you simply stop feeling it.

To the OP, first acknowledge the fact that you have a real problem. It's nothing to be ashamed about, and Commander Shepard speaks out of experience, so I think whatever he tells you will be the best solution.

Post: #21

(04-05-2012 03:42 PM)Hendrix Wrote:  Things don't get solved thanks to drugs.

Says Jimi Hendrix!!

Where would your boy Jimi be without drugs? We might not have ever heard of him!

We might not have Apple Computers if not for lsd.

I don't mean careless, recreational drug use. I mean natural, mind expanding drugs like shrooms that have been used for thousands of years.

"If it were't for acid you might not have an Ipod"...






A few articles from respected people..

http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/23...erapeutic/

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/240713.php

Post: #22

Giovonny, I didn't say that drug are all out bad. They just won't help with mental problems like the op has. Especially because his problem isn't psychiatric, it's emotional.

Post: #23

Doing ecstasy to cure anxiety is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life.

Find a copy of the Anxiety / Phobia Workbook by Bourne. You should be able to find it in any Barnes and Noble because it's immensely popular. It works wonders, is a mainstay in contemporary therapeutic circles--just take your time and slowly work through your comfort zones. That book probably goes really well with game, actually.

Post: #24

(03-30-2012 08:12 PM)All or Nothing Wrote:  I'll admit that I'm a beta/omega or whatever you want to call it. Honestly, I'm still dealing with the emotional issues that come with being sexually abused at eight.

For the past few months, I've cracked goofy jokes and acted goofy in order to try to diffuse my immense feelings of discomfort. Obviously this doesn't work. Especially since I reach a point at about ~5 minutes into conversation where I start to feel really uncomfortable and walk away. My new approach right now is going to be, strike up a conversation, talk as long as I can in a calm cool and collected way, then try (even if it's awkwardly done) to slowly escalate things over time.

Any suggestions on basic things you do in conversation and things you do to deal with discomfort would be a real big help.

Thanks in advance.

For one thing little hommie. Don't sweat. Release your outcome. Better yet - get rid of things like morals, expectations, ethics, and the like. Don't care about what happens. read up on Budha. Sorry about what happened to you. That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - and there are no pussies in game,

Post: #25

[X] Overcame intense discomfort from being around other people.
[X] Overcame quietness and am capable of holding conversations with other people.
[ ] Overcame intense emotional pain felt from being in intimate situations with another woman.
[ ] Lessened constant emotional pain that is felt on a daily basis.

Overcoming childhood sexual abuse is the most fucking frustrating thing I have experienced in my life. It is like there is this endless list of problems that keeps getting longer the longer I work on it. I am in 2 years, and am starting to wonder how much longer it will be until this is over.

Also, I was working with someone on a presentation for class earlier, and we were talking about suicides due to someone being gay (our presentation is about the LGBTQ community). It led me to look up suicides due to childhood sexual abuse. Found this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/07...5689.html. THE DARKNESS MAN THE DARKNESS. I definitely can relate.

Here's an article about him: http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/2011/01/07/27306/.

Just venting.