Post: #1

When one of your parents die - does it change your relationship with the other one?

Also - for those of you had one die - is it easier if they die in a certain order. Since the remaining one will help you deal with it better than if they had being the one that died?

We all think about what it will be like when our parents die. But something that is overlooked - is how that event will feel different depending on which parent is left living and is there to support you. And in some ways it must change the dynamics of that relationship.

Just wondering if others have experience with this?

Post: #2

I think if my father died my mother will follow shortly after.

He is her first and only man and I dont think me and my brother will provide a strong enough anchor for her to keep on living. It would become really lonely for her.

If my mother dies first, which she nearly did thanks to a t-bone car accident then my father would be the same. I could tell he was shaken up by it.

I remember the feeling in my heart when one of the few things I cared about just died suddenly, what a fucking awful feeling. Cant imagine it when someone you have known for decades is just no more but a memory.

Post: #3

They don't support me. But if my mother dies before my father it means that I need to support him because he's a goddamn fool who cannot take care of himself.

If the opposite happens, then no problem. She have money and in good shape and takes care of herself so things would roll on like normal, unless she'd get extremely weak.

In all honesty I think we will all take a breather in relief the day when my father passes.

Post: #4

Yeah - people think about their parents dying - in the abstract.

But if your Mum dies before your Dad. Or you Dad dies before your Mum - that is two totally different paths that your life will go down.

It is strange to think there might be a best option for such a sad subject.

Post: #5

Sometimes when I talk to my mom, I'm amazed how much her voice still sounds the same as it did when I was a kid. And then I reminisce about being a kid again and her making dinner or picking me up from school when I was sick and how those times have come and gone never to be experienced again. I think of all the recipes she could make(she's a great cook) and how I'll never taste things just the way she made them when she's no longer here. I've tried to learn a few of those things but I honestly I don't like cooking much or have the patience to learn it. I think if my father went my mother would handle it better than my father would handle it if my mother went first. I feel blessed to still have them in my life and healthy for now.

As terrible as it must be to lose a parent, one thing that does help me feel better is seeing how my friends my age that have lost a parent have handled it. It's brutal at first, but they eventually come back around to their normal selves and regain normalcy in their lives. I'm sure I'll do the same when that time comes, as hard as it will be to bury your mother or father.

Post: #6

(04-21-2014 03:27 PM)speakeasy Wrote:  As terrible as it must be to lose a parent, one thing that does help me feel better is seeing how my friends my age that have lost a parent have handled it. It's brutal at first, but they eventually come back around to their normal selves and regain normalcy in their lives. I'm sure I'll do the same when that time comes, as hard as it will be to bury your mother or father.

My father passed away last week.
While it's difficult, it's part of a process, and the rest of my family are aware of it and trudge onward.
We can remember the good, and see his as a life lived full and well.

The real tragedy is when a parent outlives their child.
A roommate/buddy of mine was killed in a freak accident. I'm pretty stoic, but at the funeral when I saw his parents' faces wrenched in horror, I realized this would haunt them for the rest of their lives. I walked into the woods alone and wept. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Post: #7

(04-21-2014 03:27 PM)speakeasy Wrote:  As terrible as it must be to lose a parent, one thing that does help me feel better is seeing how my friends my age that have lost a parent have handled it. It's brutal at first, but they eventually come back around to their normal selves and regain normalcy in their lives. I'm sure I'll do the same when that time comes, as hard as it will be to bury your mother or father.

From personal experience it isn't like a bad period and then the grief is over. The grief will never go away, it just doesn't pop up as often. Then a situation can remind you of a time your shared with your parent and you will feel the sadness almost as much. It also sucks to know your possible children will never know their grandparent that you loved. Yet another case could be made here for getting kids young.

One thing I think deserves more attention is how badly modern western society deals with death and grief. People have very little experience in these matters today, because death is much less common and because there is a denial of death going on with the health craze.

Once you're hit with such a tragedy, the condolences and support is overwhelming, but soon after the funeral, most people stop asking. They are usually afraid to mention the death and your loss, because they think it will make you feel worse, when in reality you actually want them to ask, to talk about it and acknowledge the person who died. Otherwise, it can feel like they just stop existing and only exist for you and your closest.

I believe that not that long ago, people wore black armbands or plain black clothes (for women), when they were mourning and they'd wear it until they thought it was time not to. It could be a long time too. Some widowers wore black for the rest of their lifes. The black clothes and articles signaled to everyone that here is a person who lost someone and it was common courtesy to then ask about their loss. I'd like to see something like that come back.

Post: #8

My cousin married a Greek guy. And he died very young (early thirties - a year after the wedding).

At the funeral - the wife (and her family) were being English and measured in their grief. And the Greek side of the family (particularly the Mum) was wailing and practically throwing herself on the coffin.

From what I heard - the Greek side of the family couldn't comprehend the English reserve at the funeral. If anything - the Mediterranean approach makes more sense.

Post: #9

Losing my mom definitely brought me closer to my dad, but only to a certain extent.

I believe in traditional relationships with parents. I believe mothers are a source of unconditional love, and fathers are sources of conditional love. I believe this is true for most sons, and reversed for most daughters.

Growing up, I was constantly under the scrutiny of my dad, even though he was rarely around. When I did see him it was all about my grades, getting into college, getting a good career, and making money. When my mom passed away, he softened up big time. Also because I think he still loved my mom even though they'd been divorced for 20-odd years. I heard him cry over the phone which was a first for me. It was pretty heavy.

These days it's like I can do no wrong. I think it's an age thing too; that the older he gets the more he realizes that life is for enjoying and all the worldly shit is largely bullshit. Now when I tell him I'm having a miserable day at work he tells me to quit and come move into his spare room. He's more concerned with me being happy than being successful, which is a nice change.

Post: #10

(04-21-2014 03:45 PM)Sombro Wrote:  A roommate/buddy of mine was killed in a freak accident. I'm pretty stoic, but at the funeral when I saw his parents' faces wrenched in horror, I realized this would haunt them for the rest of their lives. I walked into the woods alone and wept. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I knew a family whose three sons all died, one by one, all before the age of 12. Two freak accidents and one rare childhood disease. To this day the parents just walk around like zombies.

Post: #11

It blows my mind to think about the pain and suffering that people have to deal with - as you walk past them in the street totally unaware.

Post: #12

My dad died when I was 11 (I'm now 30), and my mum died 5 years ago. My dad wasn't really part of my life much growing up as he was a violent alcoholic, and died of a heart attack induced by liver failure aged 48. My mum died of respiratory failure following a diagnosis of COPD aged 59.

I hadn't seen my dad in quite a long time, so his dealth had little impact on me. I did cry once or twice, and his funeral was a surreal experience at the time. Thinking back on it now I'm somewhat angry that he drank himself to death, robbing me of the opportunity to get to know him, but I understand that it was his spiritual path and was meant to be.

My mum smoked herself to death. She knew that her lungs would fail if she didn't quit smoking, but she was living with her mother (an absolute cunt by the way), who used to offer her smokes on a daily basis. We tried to get her to move out, but her mother pulled at her heart strings and she never did.

She had always said even years in advance that she would never want to be hooked up to life support / an oxygen tank. Almost like she knew her fate. When I had a moment alone with her, I told her how much I loved her and that it was okay if she was ready to move on. That was a difficult thing to have to say, but I felt that it needed to be said as I didn't want her to suffer. When the doctor came in to ask her if she wanted to remain on life support, or be made comfortable, she chose to be made comfortable. Watching a parent suffocate to death after choosing to coming off life support isn't really an experience that I would wish on anyone. Luckily she was dead within 10 minutes of coming off the machine, as the nurse said some patients can last hours or even days. I do believe it was her spiritual path though, and if I could go back to change things I wouldn't.

Even though her mother was on her own spiritual path, I'm quite glad that she died alone, of lung cancer a few years ago. I hope it was slow and agonising.

I was very close to my mum, closer than all my brothers. I cannot comment on wether my dads death had any influence in that as he was absent for most of my life up to the point he died. I always thought that I would go off the rails and go on a bit of a rampage when my mum died, but life just plodded on as normal. It was an upsetting time, and I can recall her death / seeing her in the funeral home / her funeral with absolute clarity, but choose to remember the happy memories that we had together. I take a lot of comfort in my spiritual beliefs, but if I didn't have them I would chalk it up to the circle of life.

Post: #13

I wonder if death is easier for religious people to deal with - than it is for atheists like me?

Post: #14

Speaking of death and religion.

I read a weird thing the other day - which is so obvious yet it is something that everyone has overlooked.

I guess not many people believe in Heaven and Hell these days. But some people do - and for a long time it was a very common belief.

Yet - their is a strange (and in hindsight - obvious!) logical inconsistency buried in the idea. Which people have overlooked for centuries.

How can you enjoy the fruits of Heaven - when you know a loved one is suffering in Hell?

Heaven would become pretty hellish - if you spent all eternity knowing that a loved one was being punished and tortured in Hell.

Post: #15

Hell is a fiction created by the church.

Post: #16

I became a lot closer to my Pops after my mom passed.

Post: #17

I had a buddy who's dad died while he was in college, it really made me realize that parents, grandparents aren't going to be around forever. Lots of times when I'd pass up a family party or even just dinner with my parents or grandparents for a date or to go hit some bar, kinda made me appreciate everyone a bit more and want to spend time with everyone. Everyone's going to go sometime but would be nice to know you spent time with people and had some goodtimes and everything.

Post: #18

(04-21-2014 06:24 PM)cardguy Wrote:  I wonder if death is easier for religious people to deal with - than it is for atheists like me?

I definitely think so. I used to be religious, now I'm a skeptic. I was much more comfortable with the idea of death before I started to question afterlife. There was a time I even somewhat looked forward to death. Not in a suicidal way, but because I felt it would be paradise forever once you past the pearly gates. Then it struck me one day that paradise forever seems a logical impossibility since anything would get boring after an eternity and then paradise would cease to be paradise.

I do certainly hope there is an afterlife in some form and that this physical life is just one stage of our evolution. Guess we'll only find out once we cross that bridge.

(04-21-2014 05:51 PM)RawGod Wrote:  

(04-21-2014 03:45 PM)Sombro Wrote:  A roommate/buddy of mine was killed in a freak accident. I'm pretty stoic, but at the funeral when I saw his parents' faces wrenched in horror, I realized this would haunt them for the rest of their lives. I walked into the woods alone and wept. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I knew a family whose three sons all died, one by one, all before the age of 12. Two freak accidents and one rare childhood disease. To this day the parents just walk around like zombies.

Wow...I'm going to remember this the next time I feel like complaining about anything.

Post: #19

Let us not forget, before the 20th century it was not uncommon for parents to outlive their children. (Look up "victorian funereal photography").
Even within the 20th century, we had "Saving Private Ryan," loosely based on the Niland brothers.

Post: #20

Sombro I am very sorry for your loss. I had a friend die last week from cancer, 40 years old, with children, very sad, he fought it for years. My parents are now up there in age, and I think about the time I am not spending with them now. It could literally be any day, even though they are not sick, I still think I should be spending time with them.