Post: #1

Kind of just need a place to vent and hopefully get some inspiration. Tonight just kind of pissed me off in that I realized I pretty much have zero social life.

Quick background; I'm 43....I was married at 34 and divorced at 40. Had real bad allergies since 40 that started outta the blue. Affected my ability to eat lots of different foods and drink almost any alcohol. Friends would sometimes make concessions when having a cookout and I'd come over by cooking 'special' food for me. I'd also usually drink way less beer than them. One of my buddies who loves to drink the fuck out of beer even said once....man, I'd have asked you over last night...but I know you don't drink much. I was thinking 'fuck dude I can still be your friend even if I drink one beer to your 4 or 5....do I have to be a fucking drunk to get invited over?".....apparently with him, the answer is yes.

Another friend I've had a long time recently got engaged and pretty much stopped texting me. On Friday I texted about hitting some Mexican restaurant and dude didn't even fucking reply. I mean....I can handle a no I'm busy...but no reply means no respect to me. SO, next time he texts me ....I'm not going to reply. Another friend..an ex roommate who actually recently got out of jail for "real estate fraud" during the 2008 bubble...so maybe I shouldn't expect much from an ex con.....but anyway...totally stood me up tonight. Was gonna meet me at an bar place ....and I went and the fucker wasn't there. Fuck it...I came home and wrote this post.

My "friends" never call me to do anything ....ever. I'm the one who sends a text ( about playing golf this weekend...about hitting a good restaurant, etc ) ...then , it's always a "maybe" and they usually don't want to do anything. I could go through the reasons for each of my friends and what I think there reasons are...but maybe they don't see any value in me anymore because of my past allergies. I honestly don't know what the fuck it is.

I'm actually from this state and have had a lot of friends my whole life. My hometown is 3 hours away and I still have friends there who text me to do stuff. I live in a mid sized city...around 300K or so people. And I've lived here for years....since 1995 when I got outta college. I had lots of friends in my 20s.....but most have moved away or got married. Enough excuses...the bottom line is what things are now.

I obviously need new friends. I'm thinking about joining some clubs around here....some people on another forum suggested dance groups....but I don't like dance. I checked out Meetup.com and ....my city...has shitty meetup groups on that site. The biggest one is about 100 members that get together for drinks and dinner sometime...only the pictures of them on the site...well honestly, the people look like outcasts. Just not my type of people.

About me....I consider myself a relatively cool guy and a lot of my friends ....at least the ones who still call from time to time from my hometown, would probably agree. I am smart...degree in engineering....work in financial business....make six figures....am decent at sports....tall and decent looking guy. Girls will sometimes give me looks. Yet....my friends in the town I live are basically non existent.

My options are....try to make friends with some of the guys at work....most are way older and married. Join some kind of groups that I haven't figured out yet around here...as meetup.com sucks as previously mentioned. Or fucking move to a big city like Dallas. there, I could get involved in all kinds of groups. I do belong to a local Rotary...but it's like 12 members ...really small.

The only problem with moving to a big city or far away is that I have a pretty well established business here that took years to build. I literally make thousands of dollars a month even if I barely work. And all of my clients are here locally.....if they found out I moved out of state....they would probably demand a local rep...and I would lose all this passive monthly income.

Another obvious issue with moving to a new city...is I'd be a 43 year old guy in that town with no friends. Albeit...it maybe easier to make friends by joining the plentiful activities a big city has to offer.

I'm just starting to get better at game actually and get some girls numbers here and there ( late bloomer in game ). I wonder what it would be like to start dating woman here and I basically never have friends to do anything with. I am concerned that my "friendlessness" will start to leak into my game....though I usually come off cool in my cold approaches. Another gripe I have is that this 'mid sized' city is not overflowing with available women during the day. I mean...I could hang out all day at various places and maybe see a 2 - 3 approachable hot women...other days...none to speak of. ALso....Mississippi being what it is with the guy to girl ratio...invariably...if you see a good looking girl ...say a 7 or above...during the day...and she's 24 or older....chances are she's got some buck tending her or at least a big shiny karat on the finger.

I think one thing that really contributed to my current shit social situation was my sickness the past few years as I had to leave town for a few months...and I've been kind of semi isolated from my friends on and off as I was going to out of state clinics to get treatments. Now, I'm back in town....still struggling some with the allergies.

My Friday and Saturday nights consist now of sitting at home not doing shit. No invitations to cookouts or to hang out with the guys. Me and the guys used to play golf every weekend....but lately no one wants to. Again, some of my friends have their kids every other weekend...some are married with many kids...and some....who could have available time...just don't call.

Another obvious side effect of all this is the loneliness. I could always go to my hometown and hangout...my brother lives there too. Or go visit my parents down there...but damn...I want a social life where I live.

Sorry for the long gripe session...but I wanted to tell someone and get some insights.

Post: #2

Meetup.com and couchsurfing will open up events to you... same with Yelp events, although all three of these places are going to be mostly dudes... but maybe that's what you're looking for. Could also reach out and try to do some mentoring - hanging out with kids and people just starting off in your industry may not be your cup of tea, but some people like it. I'm early 30's but one of my close friends who's close to 50 has been mentoring me since I was 23.

Church (or temple if you're Jewish) may be another avenue, even if you're not religious.

Post: #3

You said you looked at pictures of people at meetup.com and made your judgement. Why not just go to one of those events and see for yourself. It seems your only loss would be a few hours.

Other ideas including volunteering, particularly in places that bring together lots of volunteers (e.g. Habitat for Humanity). You might also want to think about taking a class at a local college. You might be able to learn something/improve your career skills and be surrounded by new people. And once you have a student ID, you might be able to take advantage of college clubs and intramural sports teams.

Once you meet some cool people, you can sow the seeds of reciprocity by inviting them to a party or a brunch (/thread-34573.html).

Bottom line: it's okay to vent now and then. But in the end, you'll need to take action to improve your social life.

Post: #4

lol - I'm 32 - and your social life sounds a lot more exciting than mine.

I only see my best buddy 3-4 times a year. Although I see my brothers a lot.

Anyway - I'm not complaining. I don't have much time for social shit - too busy doing other stuff. I have a ton of friends I can get in touch with - but I can never be bothered. And I am not alone in that - I think a lot of peoples social lives die down in their thirties.

Usually it is because they are busy with relationships and kids - but in my case it is because I am pretty bored of spending evenings in bars when I would rather be doing other stuff.

You may want to redesign your life if your happiness is dependent on others coming out and hanging with you.

The great thing with loving books - is that I am always happy to just chill out with a book - or surf the internet.

Anyway - just wanted to mention this since the answer isn't just about getting more (and better) friends. It may also be about thinking some more about how you use your time. And what your priorities are.

Post: #5

Post: #6

(05-11-2014 09:56 AM)cardguy Wrote:  lol - I'm 32 - and your social life sounds a lot more exciting than mine.

I only see my best buddy 3-4 times a year. Although I see my brothers a lot.

Anyway - I'm not complaining. I don't have much time for social shit - too busy doing other stuff. I have a ton of friends I can get in touch with - but I can never be bothered. And I am not alone in that - I think a lot of peoples social lives die down in their thirties.

Usually it is because they are busy with relationships and kids - but in my case it is because I am pretty bored of spending evenings in bars when I would rather be doing other stuff.

You may want to redesign your life if your happiness is dependent on others coming out and hanging with you.

The great thing with loving books - is that I am always happy to just chill out with a book - or surf the internet.

Anyway - just wanted to mention this since the answer isn't just about getting more (and better) friends. It may also be about thinking some more about how you use your time. And what your priorities are.

Yes - I love books and also read a lot of quality...read quality stuff on the internet.....manosphere stuff, etc. I'm fortunate to have an active, intellectually curious mind. So I often get way more entertainment from books and internet stuff than spending time with some of my intellectually vacant friends.....but no man is an island and everyone needs 'brotherhood' I actually went to church this morning and am thinking about joining a church group. I may also look into college courses..another guy mentioned...though I'd definitely be an older guy on campus in my early 40s....though I will sometimes get glances from college girls....lol.

Post: #7

Love the idea another poster had on enroling in classes at some college... Take something like Spanish or creative writing and see what the talent is like.

Do you golf fish or hunt? Those are always good activities for the fellas...

Post: #8

I am not religious - but I was dragged to church as a kid. And my Dad still goes each week.

And actually - it is a pretty ideal place for forming connections and friends over the years.

If you believe in God - it would be a pretty good avenue to look into.

I always think the best places to meet new people - are in places where you are all there for some other purpose. That way - you can pick and choose who you want to hand with. As opposed to going into places where the expectation is that everyone is there to socialise and make new friends. Since those environments would feel forced and not fun.

It like the difference between a blind date (or speed dating) - and meeting a chick in a bar.

Lastly - having young kids is a great way of meeting people. All the guys I know have their social circles built around the people they know through having young kids. Playdates, trips to the park, birthday parties, parenting classes, primary schools, soccer teams etc. It is very easy to end up seeing the same people multiple times a week.

Post: #9

@robreke - watch 'Old School' before enrolling in college!

Post: #10

Cardguy has some great information in many of his posts but I would not listen to his advice on creating a social life. haha

Post: #11

lol - burned!

You think my nearly 4000 posts on this forum might suggest I don't go out much? :-)

Post: #12

robreke: your life sounds a lot like mine. I'm tied down to this small/mid-tier city due to capital investments and cannot just up & go. Additionally, most social life revolves around the same people many of the people when to high-school with and/or very large-extended families of brothers, sisters, first cousins, etc. This leaves me as a complete outsider.

It has been EXCEEDINGLY frustrating trying to make a life that I enjoy, meet people I'm on the same wavelength with, and date girls as well.

I've come to accept that for as long as I'm here it is ALWAYS going to be me to make the first move to hang out with a group of guys for a BBQ or shoot pool or something. 90% of the time they flake, but you can't take it personal and just got to keep doing it until you get somewhere.

Some cool places where I have met acquaintances:
- now that it's summer time, find a popular pool (at a nice apt complex or health club), and tons of girls and guys (middle-aged usually) hang out there on the weekends. Chill, sunbathe, have a couple beers and make small talk.
- I understand your frustration about using meetup or whatever to find clubs. They people there are usually extremely lame dorks. But if you keep looking there's a club that will be a little less dorky than the others - perhaps an 'entrepeneur' group or rec sports, or something. Usually if you pick up the weekly freebie newspaper it will have something
- The people who work with - your employees or anything - invite them to a casual meal over at your place, BBQ, whatever and ask them to bring their wife/gf/whatever. Yes, it's not a singles event but oftentimes if the wife/gf is entrenched in the social scene she may try to hook u up with a single friend if you hint that that's what you want.
- Instead of having a series of one-night stands, get a girlfriend. You'll meet her social circle to some extent.
- a lot of ppl here will say join a BJJ gym but at 43 you're probably too old for that. LOL. I'm in my 30s and I'm too old for that. However, there are a ton of other fitness classes that serve as networking. Find the popular "sports club" and do spinning classes, lagree workouts, whatever. When you're all hanging out in the lobby area after class always suggest to grab a snack with people at a nearby restaurant or smoothie bar. 80% of the time they'll say no, but you only need that 20% to get somewhere.
- Find a hobby that gives you a pretext for meeting people. For example, Im an amateur photographer. At events where there are a ton of people I go up to people make small chit chat and same I'm a photographer can I take your picture. Give them my card. Even if I have no intention of taking their picture, they're impressed that you want them to take their picture. Granted, you'll get a shitload of rejections, but you'll learn that rejections don't mean shit. It just builds a commonality so that next time you see them you can bullshit with them about. Cause these small cities, it's the same faces all the time.
- Get used to "undercover" gaming at happy hours, free music concerts (a lot of upscale neighborhoods will host a weekly free music concert during the summer), etc. No direct approaching or anything. Talk to both men & women, and be friendly. Work the proverbial room.

That's it, man. It ain't easy at all. It's tough as nails. It takes a long, long time and even when you have friends you'll think to yourself, "fuck my friends are kinda lame I wish I had richer, cooler, better friends." But it is what it is. You're probably always going to be an outsider, but eventually you'll build a little tribe.

And yeah, personally I spent a lot of time just trying to fuck different girls and not have a relationship. This met with varying (mostly not a lot of) success. However, I've found that in this situation in a small-tier city where you need friends, your life is a lot easier when you have a girlfriend even if you're not in love with the bitch. This is because a lot of social happenings involve double or triple dates or backyard parties where its all couples. With a gf not only will you get invited (or should I say not uninvited, ie you still have to invite yourself and your date) to these parties, but all the pressure will be off to game a chick and just be chill and make friends. People will think you're "normal" because you have a gf, and guys won't be weirded out when you talk to their gfs because your gf will be there.

And you should probably make a 5 year plan to relocate to a big city where you can be an animal and work toward this goal over the next 5 yrs by moving your business slowly there over time.

Post: #13

Forty-three is NOT too old to join a BJJ gym. At my gym there are guys in their late teens up to early fifties that go out, drink and watch fights together.

Being 30 or 40 or anything doesn't matter in BJJ. You sweat and bleed with everyone no matter the age.

I had success meeting people by hanging out at my apartment complex's pool in the spring and summer. Groups of girls and guys would hang out and I'd just be there listening to music, lying out or reading a book. Plenty of opportunities for elderly openers. Not to mention being new in a city is an opener in and of itself.

I've also made friends and met people by going to concerts solo and getting there early. Meeting the bar staff and as people trickle in. Knowing the particular music scene you're into helps a lot too. Being part of a "tribe" will get you a level of acceptance right away.

Post: #14

(05-11-2014 12:48 PM)Checkmat Wrote:  Forty-three is NOT too old to join a BJJ gym. At my gym there are guys in their late teens up to early fifties that go out, drink and watch fights together.

LOL, I knew that comment would cause a stir from the pro-BJJ crowd.

Post: #15

(05-11-2014 01:21 PM)monster Wrote:  

(05-11-2014 12:48 PM)Checkmat Wrote:  Forty-three is NOT too old to join a BJJ gym. At my gym there are guys in their late teens up to early fifties that go out, drink and watch fights together.

LOL, I knew that comment would cause a stir from the pro-BJJ crowd.

So you are just trolling the "pro-bjj crowd" here instead of giving legitimate advice? Why turn the guy away from an idea to improve his social life that's obviously working for other guys his age and older. You have your own reasons for not training, fine, but don't tell someone he's too old for no reason.

Post: #16

(05-11-2014 03:34 PM)poledaddy Wrote:  

(05-11-2014 01:21 PM)monster Wrote:  

(05-11-2014 12:48 PM)Checkmat Wrote:  Forty-three is NOT too old to join a BJJ gym. At my gym there are guys in their late teens up to early fifties that go out, drink and watch fights together.

LOL, I knew that comment would cause a stir from the pro-BJJ crowd.

So you are just trolling the "pro-bjj crowd" here instead of giving legitimate advice? Why turn the guy away from an idea to improve his social life that's obviously working for other guys his age and older. You have your own reasons for not training, fine, but don't tell someone he's too old for no reason.

I would do BJJ. I also think another good idea is crossfit as a lot of good looking women do that . The only problem for me is I had a sports injury in my early 30s that resulted in some lower spinal fusion. So....getting slammed around on the ground or doing lunges and squats with crossfit would be tough and not doctor suggested.

I still lift weights, play golf, ride bicycle, etc....but I have to kind of protect my lower back from certain things. Otherwise...I'd be up for that stuff.

Post: #17

robreke, there's been some good suggestions mentioned but overall it seems like your location is going to be holding you back. If you have been making 6 figures in a low COL place like MS, have you been stashing it or spending it?

If you've got a decent amount stashed (or even if you haven't) consider looking into real estate. Especially in MS where rent-housing ratios aren't as bad as other parts of the country. I have seen people transition careers at your age and do well in real estate - especially in the type of job it sounds like you have, where you've built a book of business and can do alright just by maintaining what you have, can go look at properties on short notice, etc. Real estate definitely isn't passive in the beginning as there's a learning curve, but I used to work in the industry and I think you fit the profile of someone who typically does well.

The biggest advantage you have over the typical 43 y/o dude is have time bc you aren't tied down by wife and kids. I know the 6 figures in the current city is going to hurt to leave. But if you could get into something where you had an income source that didn't tie you down as much as your current one does, even if you weren't making as much, that could open up your options.

Post: #18

(05-11-2014 11:43 AM)cardguy Wrote:  lol - burned!

You think my nearly 4000 posts on this forum might suggest I don't go out much? :-)

hey I'm past 4000 and I probably go out more than anyone I know (or did until just recently).

I have been around a bit longer than you though. You racked up that post count fast!

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #19

You fell for my neg! :-)

Post: #20

^ Read carefully. I used it against you.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #21

BB for the win!

Post: #22

I second church, its a good way to find a cross section of people. Even if you aren't that into it you'll meet other people who aren't that into it or their wives make them go or something along those lines. If you REALLY aren't into it you'll find out about someone's 'heathen' sister/brother/uncle that will come to some event and you can find a buddy to get wasted with.

Post: #23

(05-11-2014 06:11 PM)Dr. Howard Wrote:  I second church, its a good way to find a cross section of people. Even if you aren't that into it you'll meet other people who aren't that into it or their wives make them go or something along those lines. If you REALLY aren't into it you'll find out about someone's 'heathen' sister/brother/uncle that will come to some event and you can find a buddy to get wasted with.

When I got up this morning...I read the replies I had and actually went to church for the first time in a while. I'm going to join a church bible study group too. Nothing wrong with some spiritual enlightenment every week. I probably need it to be more 'well rounded"

Post: #24

(05-11-2014 04:11 PM)robreke Wrote:  

(05-11-2014 03:34 PM)poledaddy Wrote:  

(05-11-2014 01:21 PM)monster Wrote:  

(05-11-2014 12:48 PM)Checkmat Wrote:  Forty-three is NOT too old to join a BJJ gym. At my gym there are guys in their late teens up to early fifties that go out, drink and watch fights together.

LOL, I knew that comment would cause a stir from the pro-BJJ crowd.

So you are just trolling the "pro-bjj crowd" here instead of giving legitimate advice? Why turn the guy away from an idea to improve his social life that's obviously working for other guys his age and older. You have your own reasons for not training, fine, but don't tell someone he's too old for no reason.

I would do BJJ. I also think another good idea is crossfit as a lot of good looking women do that . The only problem for me is I had a sports injury in my early 30s that resulted in some lower spinal fusion. So....getting slammed around on the ground or doing lunges and squats with crossfit would be tough and not doctor suggested.

I still lift weights, play golf, ride bicycle, etc....but I have to kind of protect my lower back from certain things. Otherwise...I'd be up for that stuff.

BJJ, unless you're competing, you won't really get slammed. Most of the time rolling in class you start on the ground as there is typically not enough space to start standing.

Post: #25

Delete.