Post: #1

1. Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."



2. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


3.
Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.

Post: #2

I have a good one.

what's the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?


the pricks are on the inside of the corvette

Post: #3

Whatup Ed,

It was good hanging with you in SF last summer.

This is a good thread, a man should have a couple good jokes on the tip of his tongue at all times.

When I'm with a girl and I have to take a piss, I'll say..."I'm going to the bathroom, can you come help me, I hurt my back?".......she'll say...."what, why?"

I say...

" My doctor said not to lift anything heavy"

Post: #4

A man goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by an elephant!"

The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?"

"Well," says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my asshole feels this big!"

"Bend over, and let me have a look," says the doctor.

The guy bends over and sure enough, his asshole is about ten inches across.

"But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the doctor.

"Yeah, I know," says the agitated man, "but he fingered me first!"

Post: #5

A man went to visit his soon-to-be bride's house to go over some pre-wedding details. But when he arrived, no one was home. He waited in the living room when he heard his finance's younger sister call for him by the stairs. He came over to find a sopping-wet girl in her collegiate years, covered only with her shower towel.

"You know, I was wondering... you're about to tie the knot. It's a really big decision."

The man, feeling slightly nervous, meekly replied "Yeah, it definitely is."

"Well, before you get hitched, I was wondering if you'd like to have a little fun before it becomes illegal for you to do so..."

Although he understood what she was trying to say, he feigned stupidity and said "What do you mean?"

To which the voluptuous girl whisked her towel off, and said "I'm going up to my room... and if you don't follow you're going to regret this for the rest of your life!" The seductress, noticing his erection through his jeans, stroked her hand against his chest. She then turned around and slowly walked up the stairs, while swaying her pert ass from side-to-side.

There is only so much a man can do to resist the charms of a beautiful young woman, and, at this point, all hope for self-control was lost. So he turned around, and bolted out the front door across the lawn. Much to his surprise, his finance, her mother, and her father were outside on the driveway.

His finance ran up to him and give him a big kiss.
Her mother followed with a giant hug.
Finally, the father came up to him, shook his hand, and announced, "Son, welcome to the family. You've passed the final test."





So what's the moral of the story?

Always keep your condoms in the car.

Post: #6

why shouldn't women wear watches?

there's a clock on the stove.

Post: #7

Whats the cause of death of a baby killed by Sean Connery?

Shaken Not Stirred Baby Syndrome.

Post: #8

George B.: Condi! Nice to see you.What's
happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leaderof
China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader ofChina.
Bush:
That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm tellingyou.
Bush: That's what
I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:Yes.
Bush: I mean the
fellows name.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The guy inChina.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The new
leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: TheChinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading
China.
Bush: Now whaddya' asking mefor?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading
China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Whois leading China?
Condi: That's the man's
name.
Bush: That's who'sname?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell
me the name of the newleader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir
Arafat is in China? Ithought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's
correct.
Bush: Then who is inChina?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in
China?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush:Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush:
Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Look,Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China. Get me the SecretaryGeneral of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:
Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi: Youwant Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condi: You don't want
Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that youmention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get
me the U.N.
Condi: Yes,sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi:
Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will youplease make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Bush: Who
is the guy at theU.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay outof
China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get methe guy
at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Nowget on the
phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice,here.
Bush: Rice? Good
idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should sendsome to the guy in China. And
the Middle East.

Post: #9

A Greek,an Arab and a Chinese guy quarelled about whose God is the real one.The Greek said:
-Guys,there is noone like Jesus.He was the real deal.
-The Arab:O.K. man,if you believe I challenge you to the ultimate proof.We will fall from a mountain calling our God for help.The real God will save me.O.K. with me says the Greek.Buddha will help me says the Chinese.
So they got to the mountain and the Arab falls and starts screaming:Allah,Allah,Allah.In free fall he gets torn by the rocks in the ground.
Then comes the Chinese:He falls and shouts:Buddha,Buddha,Buddha.Suddenly his fall is delayed he starts falling very slowly like wearing a parachute and comes smoothly to the ground smiling triumphatically.
Now it is the turn of the Greek.He falls and screams loud:Buddha,Buddha,Buddha.

Post: #10

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks her "Mommy, how are babies made?" Her mother answers "When a man and a woman love one a another, the man puts his penis in a woman's vagina. That's how you get babies." The little girl says "OK mommy. But the other day, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" The mom answers "Jewelry".

Post: #11

The Greek minister visits the people whose properties were destroyed by the recent earthquakes.He asks one by one what was his loss.
-So Nikos?
-My dear minister my 3 floor house was completely destroyed.
-O.K. says the minister to his secretary.Please write down a 3 floorhouse for Mr. Nikos.And you Giorgos?
-Oh,says Giorgos my apartment of 500 m2 lies on the ground.
-O.K. says the minister to his secretary write please we owe a 500 m2 apartment to Mr. Giorgos.And you Sir?What did you lose by the earthquakes?
-My dear minister says the next citizen my story is a bit different.When the earthquake started my library fell and unfortunately cut off my balls.So now I am without balls.
-O.K. says the minister to his secretary.Write please a 3 floor apartment for the Sir.
-Please minister says the citizen you did not undrestand what happened.My house is in order.What I lost are my balls.Can I get balls?
And the minister answers:What do you think the rest will get as well?

Post: #12

Putin comes to fairy women to learn about his destiny:
- Tell me about my future
- I can see you inside a long car with open roof and around the car there are thousands Russians and Ukrainians
Putin is smiling, fairy women is continuing:
- I can see people being very happy, they stand with their national flags in hands, they scream positively and their faces are happy
- They love me thinks Putin. Do I shake their hands - he's asking?
- No
- Why not?
- A coffin which you are inside is closed

Western Ukrainians originally were using it with Janukovych as a lead, but it was modifield to Putin recently.

Post: #13

Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him.

Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration.

The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE."

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!"

No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells, "Damn it!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!"

Post: #14

A man breaks into a house, finds a woman in the living room and kills her. Whose fault is it that she was killed?

Hint: Living room, not kitchen.

Post: #15

This is one of my favorites...

A new Army officer was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The sergeant said, "Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The officer said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the officer started having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked that the camel be brought around to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, he stood on the ladder, pulled his pants down and had wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he was done, he asked the soldier, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No sir. We usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

Post: #16

(03-22-2014 03:57 AM)Bill Wrote:  George B.: Condi! Nice to see you.What's
happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leaderof
China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader ofChina.
Bush:
That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm tellingyou.
Bush: That's what
I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:Yes.
Bush: I mean the
fellows name.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The guy inChina.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The new
leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: TheChinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading
China.
Bush: Now whaddya' asking mefor?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading
China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Whois leading China?
Condi: That's the man's
name.
Bush: That's who'sname?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell
me the name of the newleader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir
Arafat is in China? Ithought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's
correct.
Bush: Then who is inChina?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in
China?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush:Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush:
Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Look,Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China. Get me the SecretaryGeneral of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:
Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi: Youwant Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condi: You don't want
Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that youmention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get
me the U.N.
Condi: Yes,sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi:
Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will youplease make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Bush: Who
is the guy at theU.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay outof
China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get methe guy
at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Nowget on the
phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice,here.
Bush: Rice? Good
idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should sendsome to the guy in China. And
the Middle East.

lol ..... my dad had this on his phone. Its way funnier if you listen to it

EDIT: found it, starts at 00:30 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBv6UNix5xo

Post: #17

I've used this in college to flare up a crowd. The more girls around the better.

A: "Anyone want to hear a joke?"
B: "Sure"
A: "Women's rights."

Post: #18

Statistics show that nine out of ten female rape victims are unable to identify their rapist. Statistics also show that nine out of ten women close their eyes when they kiss.

Post: #19

A tired father came home to see his lovely wife comforting his daughter .
Father : What's wrong sweetie ?
Mother : Well , she had a little accident . She forgot her period .
Daughter : In schooooooool !!!!
Father : In school ? At what time ?
Daughter : In 2nd period .
Father : 2nd period huh ? Well , I know just what to do . Hold on .
2 minutes later . The father came back with pens and a pad .
Mother : What this ?
Father : Pens and a pad for her English class . Tired of seeing her getting red marks .

Post: #20

The daughter of the Sicelian father comes to the house crying.Father,she says I am pregnant.
-Who the fuck did that? he says.Who is this son of the bitch?Bring him to me to kill him with my own hands.
Suddenly a pale guy with a suit appears shy and rather scared:Sir,he says I am the boyfriend of your daughter.I apologize for leaving her pregnant.My name is Silvio I am the son of Don Giovanni family we have a bank and half of the city's properties belong to us.Will you give me the permission to marry your daughter?
Then the father stands up,gives his hand to the young,promising guy and tells him:My child,I give you my permission to marry my daughter.And please if she is not pregnant,fuck her again!

Post: #21

As the tiger walks down the forest he sees the rabbit having put his balls on a tree and hitting them with a hammer.Everytime he hits them he screams:Ahhhhh,what a pleasure.
The tiger sees that goes to a tree takes out his balls and hits them with the hammer.He screams Ahhhhhh from pain.Then he goes angry to the rabbit:Where do you find the pleasure doing this ,mthfckr?
-You know what a pleasure it is says the rabbit to try to hit all day your balls with a hammer and not being able to get them?

Post: #22

A rich man and a poor man are talking on Valentine's Day. The poor man asks the rich man: what did you get your wife? The rich man replies: I got her a Mercedes and a diamond ring. The poor man asks why, to which the rich man says: if she doesn't like the Mercedes she can have the diamond ring. The rich man then asks the poor man what he got his wife. He says he got her slippers and a dildo.

"Why did you get her both?"

"Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

Post: #23

Heard this from a cabbie in NYC a long time ago.

So this guy and this girl are at a nice restaurant eating dinner and the girl tells the guy... "I don't know how to tell you this. I think we can't see each other anymore". The guy is astounded. "Baby, why? Everything is so great". The girl looks him dead in the eye and says "I've heard you're a pedophile".

The guy leans back in his chair, snorts, and says "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 9 year old!"

Post: #24

Haso received a phone call from his friend Mujo:
"Hey Haso! I've just bought two horses! They're over there in my barn."
"Great!"
"The problem is, I don't know how to tell them apart."
"Maybe you could cut one's ear off."

A few days later, Mujo calls Haso again:
"Hey Haso, your advice worked but then the horses got into a fight and the first horse bit off the other horse's ear. Now they're all the same again."
"Well, maybe you could cut off one's tail."

A few days pass and Mujo is on the phone again:
"The horses got into a fight again and now neither of them has a tail! Help!"
"Hold on, I'll come over."

Haso comes over and inspects the two horses for an hour. Finally, he says:
"Well Mujo, seems you're out of luck. But one of the horses is white and the other is black."

Post: #25

"What's the difference between a fitness trainer and a dominatrix? The dominatrix will stop hurting you when you say the safe word."