Post: #1

One of my biggest problems with women is never breaking it off when I should, and then I let shit drag on and on and on until way past the breaking point and make it ten times worse when I finally do split.

I feel guilty as fuck leaving a girl I'm in a long-term relationships with. Yes, I know it's stupid, and yes, I know it is a misguided weakness in some major ways, but nevertheless, it's something I struggle with to this day and perhaps always will to an extent. I attribute it to being raised by a single mother, in part, as well as the more introverted side of my nature - introverts are known to be especially emotional and over-empathetic.

Currently in the process of breaking it off with a girl I've been living with for the past year, and I turned to Harry Browne's "How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World" for some wisdom I knew I'd find there (if you haven't read the book, you really should).

I turned to this particular book because it speaks to me more than demonizing other people, which is a tempting way to grow cold on someone, and only looking at the negative aspects of relationships in an effort to assauge my feelings.

(Shout out to bacon for reminding me this book had some great shit to say about relationship issues when we met the other night.)

Anyhow, I know there are other guys on the forum who struggle with this same issue so I thought I'd share this choice quote:

Quote:It’s easy to be influenced by the apparent needs of others — your spouse, children, employer, employees, friends, parents, relatives. They may seem to be dependent upon you. What will happen to them if you put your own freedom first?

Let’s put your imagination to work one more time. This time take a few moments to imagine that you’re going to die tonight. Yes — die. Pretend that you’ll no longer be here to satisfy the needs of those who have been your responsibility.

After you think about it for a while, you’ll probably come to a depressing conclusion — somehow, some way, by some miracle, the world will survive without you.

Somehow your relatives will find someone else to borrow money from; the church will get someone else to arrange the flowers on the altar every Sunday; your friends will find new people to do favors for them. And your spouse may mourn for a suitable period — and then marry your best friend.

Your political crusades will succeed or fail — just as they would if you were around to help. Your club will find someone else to do its fund-raising. And those who’ve leaned so heavily upon you for advice and sympathy will find other shoulders (and probably follow the new advice as infrequently as they did yours).

I’m not saying you won’t be missed; that isn’t the point. The significance is that these people will find ways to survive without you. You’re not as indispensable to others as you may have believed.

If they can survive without you, why couldn’t you just disappear tonight without a trace, move a thousand miles away, and have a fresh start in an environment where no one knows you and depends upon you?

But why even do that? You don’t have to move away. If others can survive if you died or moved away, why can’t they survive without you while you stay here? Just remove yourself from the relationships and complications that don’t add to your well-being.

In many ways, you’ll be giving others their freedom, too. You might be surprised if you knew the discomforts others are suffering in their relationships with you. If a relationship is wrong for you, you can’t possibly give to it everything a willing person would. Why not get out of the way and let others find better situations, too?

Even if they seem content with you, it may be that they, too, are afraid to speak up.

You can’t know what’s best for everyone else. Let nature take its course; let each person find his own place in the world — in accordance with his identity, his resources, and his desires.

You can’t see inside of someone else. You can’t decide what’s good or bad for others. You can only decide for yourself.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #2

Didn't you just switch countries?

Post: #3

Nice find.

I usually use their language

I've got to do what's right for me.

WIA

Post: #4

(07-24-2015 03:12 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  Didn't you just switch countries?

Yep.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #5

I too struggle with this. How do you guys get rid of a girl who lives in your house who you know will need some time to get out? My problem is the anxiety of someone still being there after you dropped the bomb on them. I feel I have to look over my shoulder until they leave, or listen to them cry, be angry etc and it stresses me out.

Thoughts?

Post: #6

Even knowing that they will be fine, and maybe this thought it completely beta, but when you break it off with a good girl you have been seeing for 6 months or so who is completely in love with you, it still feels like you are taking a peace of them with you. You keep all of the hot memories of banging this hot girl, and she is left wondering where her love went wrong and is likely more damaged now and will have a harder time connecting with the next guy. I've been trying to do a better job of breaking things off with girls before this can happen, but sometimes when you get real busy with work and other things in life it just becomes convenient to let things be and next thing you know what started as a quick hookup as turned to a mini-relationship. The last one I told her the spark died for me, which was partly true because even though the sex was still great, I wanted to put more effort into banging new girls. But each time I end it, they always ask if anything in our mini-relationship was real or if I was just playing them the entire time. Most girls I don't give a second thought to when I cut them off, but sometimes you meet a girl who does seem genuine and worth keeping around for a bit. Shit, that sounded beta as hell, thats how things seem sometimes.

Post: #7

Rip the band aid off. It's best for both parties.

Post: #8

Just leave...You WILL get over her, guaranteed, but you have to make a move or you'll languish. Make a decision NOW. Be Alpha.....

Post: #9

(07-24-2015 03:15 PM)Beyond Borders Wrote:  

(07-24-2015 03:12 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  Didn't you just switch countries?

Yep.

The end of a relationship should be celebrated as you will be getting lots of strange. It's a very exiting time for a man unless he's a dryspell type.

Also you don't have to break up just float her if she's in a different place. Let it float like a cloud.

Post: #10

(07-24-2015 03:18 PM)Kaii Wrote:  I too struggle with this. How do you guys get rid of a girl who lives in your house who you know will need some time to get out? My problem is the anxiety of someone still being there after you dropped the bomb on them. I feel I have to look over my shoulder until they leave, or listen to them cry, be angry etc and it stresses me out.

Thoughts?

Move while she's at work...

Post: #11

Best way to get one woman out of your life is to get balls deep into another...

Like an old set of wheels there comes a time to trade up to add some new fresh energy and excitement to your life - unless you are ready to settle down then it is time for an LTR keeper - most likely outside of the legal jurisdiction of Western G8 frivorce courts.

Keep her deep - diver out.

Post: #12

(07-24-2015 04:13 PM)amusedmastery Wrote:  Just leave...You WILL get over her, guaranteed, but you have to make a move or you'll languish. Make a decision NOW. Be Alpha.....

His issue isn't fear of the loss of her.

It's empathy and compassion for the pain she'll feel.

Alpha and unfeeling aren't synonymous in my book

Post: #13

^ Bingo.

Also, for the "super alphas" rushing through the OP, I still encourage you to take a moment to read the excerpt from the book. It's good shit no matter where you're at in your life.

Beyond All Seas

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.
To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you'll be lonely often, and sometimes
frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Kipling

Post: #14

One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is their freedom.

Though I never recognized it at the time, girls have given me this gift after we've dated for years, and the relationship has come its natural conclusion. Today I am thankful they had the courage to set me free.

In turn, I have given girls their freedom as well, in times when I was the first to realize the relationship had run its course.

One day, years from now, the girls you cut loose will be thankful that you had the courage to set them free, instead of continuing to drag out the dying or dead relationship.

And when you face the fear and grant them this gift, the feelings of guilt will dissipate, too.

Post: #15

Whether it's for her pain and/or because the OP still has lingering feelings, his concern states that he's let things go on too long. Once you cross that bridge the tendency to do nothing and stay in it for her feelings is a real problem. I've been there in the past.

The answer, looking back from my perspective, was to just let go. She'll get over it, you'll get over "hurting" her, and it's for the best for both parties. Regardless, make a decision and yes, be Alpha by being decisive. No matter the decision.

Thanks for the heads up on the book. I'll read it.

Post: #16

(07-24-2015 04:18 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  

(07-24-2015 03:15 PM)Beyond Borders Wrote:  

(07-24-2015 03:12 PM)el mechanico Wrote:  Didn't you just switch countries?

Yep.

The end of a relationship should be celebrated as you will be getting lots of strange. It's a very exiting time for a man unless he's a dryspell type.

Also you don't have to break up just float her if she's in a different place. Let it float like a cloud.

So true. There's nothing like new ass after a monogamous LTR.

Floating clouds is great analogy. Never thought of it in those terms but a gradual drift is actually my preferred method of ending a relationship...when possible.

Post: #17

Just went through this myself, BB (http://thisistrouble.com/2015/07/20/leav...ullshit/). Hardest part for me is always that nagging "leave 'em better than you found 'em" quote - which doesn't seem possible when you're breaking someone's heart.

Post: #18

I also deal with this guilt..

Sweet nice kind girls who have been perfect, loyal and affectionate... How do I end things when the honest truth is they did nothing wrong but I'm ready to fuck someone newer, younger, and/or prettier?

I feel like a scumbag..

Post: #19

^"It's not you, it's me."

Post: #20

The worst part is when you know it's gonna be over soon but she's still all over you, and in love with you etc. I still don't know how to deal with this issue. I have a soft spot for girls' feelings. I took one back after she started crying and telling me she couldn't imagine going on without me.

Post: #21

Bump.

I would be interested to read insights and potential answers to what bacan and tigermandingo wrote as this is something I struggle with myself.

Post: #22

I'm in that boat op. I was with a girl for 3years going through the motions. I was not happy. She was into me more than I was her. Had to break it off and yeah I feel like shit.

Post: #23

Great thread to revive.

NEVER feel wrong for the actions you take that are good for YOU.

YOU have to do what's best for yourself in the end and be a little selfish.

I turned to the advice of wise members and some newbies and broke up with the most serious girlfriend I've ever had.

I already knew what I had to do, I logically weighed the options out, and the forum agreed and listed even more reasons why I should end things.

I look back at it and don't regret it, she just added me on social media, I still have no regrets of making that decision.


Read my thread about breaking up with her - it's helped alot of people out.

/thread-52295.html

Post: #24

Happened to me a few years ago. Was living with a girl for nearly a year. She would do anything for me, and truly was a great gf. But comfort of the relationship caused her to gain some weight, and I never called her out on it. Soon enough I was never in the mood to bang because I just didn't feel attracted to her anymore. She felt the distance, especially when I told her I was moving closer to work but that we'd try to make it work.

She got pregnant because she "forgot to take her pills" since we hadn't been intimate very often in the last few months of the relationship. Thats when I pretty much shut her out. I felt bad, telling her I didn't feel sexually attracted to her and it was over, but she resented the fact I wouldn't be there to comfort her when she was going to the clinic to "take care of it".

Break ups are so hard but ultimately are necessary. It's up to us to know when is the right time to pull the plug and how to deliver the dagger as painlessly as possible. I certainly learned my lesson the hard way dragging the relationship months longer it should have lasted. I think living with the girl makes it much more difficult.

Post: #25

Thanks for reviving this old thread... The OP really hit home to what I'm dealing with right now.

My question is: Why do we break up with quality women when we seemingly have no reason to do so?

I have ZERO reason to break up with my current girlfriend right now. She is everything that I thought I wanted. I justified my "player" days by saying once I find a girl (like the one I have now) that the game would be over and I'd leave the Peter Pan me behind...

If a woman cheated on me or gave any other acceptable reason for breaking off the relationship, it'd be easier than sunday morning to do.... but right now... How (better yet why?) would I break it off?

There is absolutely ZERO reason to go through with it... other than this little voice saying something is amiss. Something is missing...

Perhaps it's a stage....

Perhaps it's me?....

On this forum we routinely make fun of female's "hamsterizations" but if all we do is dump quality women just to go out to find new quality women... aren't we the ones acting like hamsters on a wheel?