...
CONTINUED
I slowly awaken to the stench of urine and latex; a soft hand caresses my back. “Honey”, she says, in the gentle, caring way only a Vietnamese can, “you came inside of me then wet the entire bed.” Regaining my consciousness, I identify my (willing) subject and rise out of bed to relieve myself and sort through last night’s receipts, bottle deposit cards, and a pair of randomly acquired sunglasses. “Honey”, again she says, “aren’t we going for round 2? I’ll take the morning after pill later this afternoon, so you may as well”. Pleasantly taken aback by the proposition, I find myself balls deep in the supple oriental vixen I met not more than 8 hours ago in Apocalypse Now...
My recollection of Friday: I had been busy scarfing down vodka sodas with my ex, the backshot artist
Mr. Linh,
Irish & some 5-6 girls he singlehandedly brought to our table, and notably, a gay dwarf who alternated between humping my leg and jumping on Irish’s back.
YardDog,
MaleDefined, and
Bushido were nowhere to be found (in fact they were probably not more than 10m away from the table). We were also accompanied by
Dicky, a local friend of mine and online payments entrepreneur. Apart from that, Dicky is a really outgoing Asian dude with a Malibu accent. To be honest Apocalypse Fl. 2 wasn't all as happening I remembered, but just the fact of being surrounded by my Viet party crew and watching
Irish aka King of the Club work his glorious hand of God, and aided also by a fair amount of liquid courage, I ditched my ex (a Viet showbiz personality of sorts) for a less physically attractively but infinitely more interesting option [See
Papi Rico rule no. 3:
new pussy prevails over all other pussy]. I had caught her eye-fucking me the minute we set up our vodka free-flow fountain in the middle of the club. I don’t even remember how we got back, but logistics were so tight it was a matter of a couple hundred meters from Apo to the Cheshire Cat’s love den.
Fast forward to Saturday afternoon:
1:00pm: I take my bird in hand and we get to our hotel lobby for a well-earned ‘breakfast’. As we’re talking it hits me how much I missed Vietnamese girls. These are some of the most intellectually curious and well-read girls on the planet. This one is going on about Balzac novels, world affairs, and methods of energy conservation when the
YardDog comes crawling down the stairs and to our table for some afternoon feed. After years of Pinoy snatch, he’s immediately captivated by the young siren and pulls me aside with his signature hand gesture, “damn son, I gotta move here”. “Yes, you do”, I reply.
2:00pm: My girl and I say bye to the Yard Dog and I walk her over to a makeshift drugstore with the hope of procuring the morning after pill. They have it, sure enough, and I begin to reach for a couple hundred VND from my wallet. “No”, she say with a smile, “this one’s on me”. I watch her ingest the magic pill. We walk to a nearby restaurant where her girl friend awaits. As we approach I see a giant red mark on the friend’s neck. “How’d you get that thing?”, I enquire. Blushing profusely she replies, “it’s from your friend, Dicky, he wouldn’t leave my neck alone”. I kiss my girl in the middle of the restaurant and depart as my Cheshire Cat grin begins to take form.
2:30pm: I reconnect with
Irish and
MaleDefined on the street. Irish is in his Sunday best while MaleDefined, bereft of his luggage, is in a tank top and hotel slippers. We hit a popular café for a second lunch and begin to go through pictures from last night, including but not limited to snaps of: me posing with coked out ecommerce execs and a bottle of tequila in Blanchys; Irish with a solid 8 whilst squeezing the gay drawf’s cheeks in Apo; Bushido and Irish both with their tongues jammed down some girls’ throats with MaleDefined cracking a big grin; and of course a team photo in which the YardDog himself appears (YD is notoriously difficult to photograph). We finish lunch and the three of us are beat. MaleDefined and Irish want to kickstart the Saturday festivities with some brews as I respectfully bow out and retire back to my room. YardDog is repeatedly texting about a pool party (in this state, yeah right buddy) whilst Bushido is out on his trademark covert lunch date. I set my alarm for 8pm, a bigass night is ahead.
8:30pm: I roll out of bed to see 148 missed messages from the boys. It looks like Irish and MD had more brews than planned. I grab Bushido for some $1 banh mi sandwiches, the perfect solution for a quick preparty refuel. We enter Xu with a bottle deposit slip and get the party started. The boys pile in one by one and immediately we set upon the task at hand. A few handshakes later and we’re commemorating the previous BGMs and raising a toast to the comrades who unfortunately could not be present for this one:
BallsDeep, Big Dom,
Cr33pin,
Global Entry,
LINUX, Rape Van Dan,
Tokyo Joe, and to the
whole travel subforum, this one’s for you boys!
11:00pm: We arrive at our position promptly as requested. “Reservation under Papi Rico”, I decisively state to the reception girl at Glow Sky Bar, as MaleDefined and YardDog flank me with their imposing presence. We pile in the elevator and I see all the ingredients of a solid night: big smiles, pocket squares, and a collective vibe tighter than a duck’s arse on ice. We walk out of the elevator and heads turn in our direction. Not bad for 5 guys who all met on the Internet.
11:30: “We’ll take the 3L of Belvedere, extra soda water, please”. I was initially unsure about hitting a new place, but upon numerous recommendations, we hit Glow Skybar and it was lit up with all sorts of fine local ass, a fake-titted dj spinning deep house, and awe-inspiring views of the city once called Sai Gon. As the drinks started to pour I began to take it all in, how far I’ve come with these guys in the last 6 months and how many more nights I hope to have ahead with them. We proceed for an obligatory first toast and I see Irish aka KOTC casually chatting up a set of girls that would leave Brad Pitt himself with an erection. I’m in the process of helping out my Irish brother-in-arms when a past bang of mine appears. I had told her I’m in town and am hitting Glow (oops). At that point, Mr Linh, our beloved arse bandit, enters the picture with 3 girls and my ex again (this’ll be fun). I check my watch and it’s..
12:30: I’m feeling great, dancing and sipping vodka with my girl, and my ex doesn't seem to care – she just wanted to see me I guess. I do a quick survey of the scene: Bushido is covertly stationed on the couch, running smooth game on one of Mr Linh’s female accomplices, the YardDog is clearly out of his kennel, swinging his hands and dancing up a storm whilst wedged between two delightful-looking orientals, MaleDefined is in total bulldozer at this point – if there’s a single female in his line of vision, you bet your ass she’s getting approached; Irish has somehow managed to bring over 2 additional girls, and is now asking all team members for assistance in managing the surplus.
1:30: Mr Linh pulls out some grade A mary jane and orders a shisha. He packs the tobacco chamber thereof, converting it into a Viet Cong Bong, or as he actually called it: the WEESHA. My limp-wristed, pillow biting friend then offers a me hit. I consent. I’m faded shortly thereafter.
<blur – can you guys fill in the blank?>
3:00: I snap out of my haze and see the YardDog leaving the club with a fine-looking piece; he had many options and chose the right one. To the Dog Pound for those two. Bushido was still in stealth model and the MaleDefined was still...bulldozing. By that point Irish had persuaded 3 girls in the table adjacent to ours to move to our table outright. They were 2 high 7s and 1 8, conservatively speaking. Irish jams his tongue down the 8’s throat whilst MD and I give a bit of banter to the other two.
The staff bring us the check...and it’s in the millions, fuck it – we’re in Vietnam. Upon closer inspection though, the staff at Glow seemingly decided to stick the girls’ wine bottle on our tab – total dick move and potential white knighting. We all get worked up over it (despite the amount being nominal), as Irish tries to offer to just pay it. Too late, the girls are turned off by our vodka-fueled rage and storm off, leaving us their share of the bill. I run to the John briefly and upon my return everyone is gone. My girl is standing there clueless, searching for her purse. One of the security guards took it during the combined bill debacle and is now refusing to admit to the fact. The guys had left, but I stayed back with my girl and kicked up the biggest shit storm that country had seen since 1975. The manager came over and unapologetically handed me my girl’s purse. My girl then grabbed me and said “welcome back to Vietnam, now let’s go party”.
3:30: We head over to Play, an afterhours directly adjacent to Glow. I’m seeing a lot of familiar faces, and eventually run into Irish and MaleDefined posted up with yet another bottle of vodka. Bushido is nowhere to be found. Play is pretty uneventful and surprisingly low-energy but the guys are making the most of it, chatting up whoever is around. I cant feel my face and can barely walk at this point so I say good night to the boys and take my princess downstairs for a cab back to the hotel for a night of memorable love-making (protected and urine-free, this time).
I wake up Sunday with a hangover so bad I may end it all. But I look over and see a sweet, feminine angel curled up next to me. I then crack a grin at the thought of having wrapped up another kickass
BGM and wonder how the guys fared. My thought, however, is promptly interrupted by a hand sliding toward my inner thigh...