Post: #1

So I've got a cousin who's 3 years younger than me.

The cousin:

1) I lost my mom when I was young and he laughed when he's dad said to my dad "do you see your wife's ghost at night".
2) At a sports match somebody said I'm going to graduate with a good degree and he got angry and told me to "give his jacket to his dad".
3) At a practice session he said "I'm useless to others".
4) He started looking at me and laughing to others outside the practice session.
5) He said during the sports game sarcastically "I've finally started talking".
6) He said to others "I don't talk" loudly and rudely in the public.
7) He cut me out and ignored me when I came to his house to visit his parents in October.
8) Did the same thing in November.
9) Last three Christmas parties in 2015, 2016 and 2017 he acknowledge others but ignored me quite ruthlessly.
10) At a party he acted big towards me and told a lie.
11) called me a prat
12) hasn't bothered to acknowledge me properly for the last 5 years.
13) behind my back he says sarcastic things.
14) He says look how he looks sarcastically.
15) He also shouted at my father for no reason before and tried to criticise him.
16) Looked into my wallet which I set him up and I was watching behind the door on the gap.

He's someone who will do a quick sarcasm or be very critical of someone.

There is honestly a lot, lot more.

He acts like I'm not there and literally for the last 5 years at family parties and events he would only acknowledge others and not me.

If he sits next to me, he would just sit there for hours and not even say a word to me and talk to every other person.

I feel he's also doing this to deflect this. It may not be the reason.

But he knows I will earn more, do better and he won't. I'm already doing it and he knew this for some time ago and will never want to see me doing better.

He just doesn't want me to/see me do better.

He acts very smart, he acts like it's no big deal that I'm doing well now and acts cool like "oh, whatever" in his body language.

He's a full on bully, anything positive happens to me, he talks to his other cousin to put me down and that's what happened, they found a loophole to put me down.

He's game plan is simply act loud, ostracise me at the entire day and try to put me down in front of me. It's not going to work now because everybody else knows I'm successful. I've countered this by ignoring him.

He'll think of another way, another way to bully me, put me down in a passive way. Try to make me look like a tool. HE'LL TRY.

So how do I deal with this situation? How can I get some power back?

Post: #2

A cousin? Am I missing something here? Are you fucking him or something? If not, why not just never see the guy again? He sounds like an asshole.

My cousins are assholes so I avoid em like the plague.

Post: #3

Not sure how you are able to avoid your cousins, do you avoid your entire family?

(05-07-2019 10:21 AM)etwsake Wrote:  A cousin? Am I missing something here? Are you fucking him or something? If not, why not just never see the guy again? He sounds like an asshole.

My cousins are assholes so I avoid em like the plague.

To the OP: is your cousin stronger than you? better at fighting than you? better at trash talking than you? If he's not, you know where I'm going with this.

With people like this you either get away from them or hit them in a way that they can't possibly come back. Maybe rough him up at sports or call him out if you don't want to go direct, even if you lose you may get some respect.

At least that's what I did with a "friend" of mine who behaved like your cousin, don't really miss him much now..

Post: #4

Thanks for the replies now.

As I already stated in the OP, the last thing he wants to happen and never wants to see happen is that I'm doing better then him.

With a family event coming up and my other cousins will talk about my success's, I wonder how will he react if another uncle wants to speak to me. Inside he will be squirming, getting agitated, because that's how he reacted when he's brother asked me what am I doing.

Post: #5

Sounds like he has you on the defensive; you're playing into his frame. Nothing that you (can think of) doing will break this, he's already plotted out your reactions and has a countermeasure in place for each of them; meanwhile, you're shaking and desperate.

To put it in strategic terms, he's inside your OODA Loop (look it up).

My advice: disengage. Avoid. Even if that means avoiding family gatherings. This sort of bullying can become deeply internalized, and manifest itself as your destiny. Quite frankly, I don't know why your dad didn't punch out your uncle when he said that. You're in a toxic environment, where you (and your father as well?) are expected to be the whipping boys. Get away from those creeps, and go forge an identity for yourself based upon success.

I'll be the first to point out that family is important - but not if they're sabotaging your life. Make yourself strong - then consider rebuilding relationships with them.

Post: #6

Thanks for the reply Aurini and for your advice. Appreciate it.

I'd like to say yes I was massive whipping boy and so maybe my father and we are expected to be. However it's changed now and they cannot handle it.

It doesn't seem like he's got me on the defensive? I don't react, I keep cool and I'm emotionally intelligent. He is the one that squirmed last time. Now I'm successful he can't do much, he just hopes that people keep quiet about it for the rest of his life. That's going to be impossible.

It's like I'VE got him on the defensive, why else would he deliberately do these tactics? He has, has to deflect and put me down. So I've got inside his head somehow. He goes as far as trying to put me down, yes I've got into his head and guess what? I've never even tried to get into head or do nothing.

He's brother even told me he got very, very angry towards him when he said positive things about me. They don't want to talk about me anymore in their household.

And I remember, he tried to kick me out of the sports team because he cannot handle someone he doesn't respect outdoing him.

Post: #7

What the hell, someone said he's spreading a rumour. I texted two people who stated it originated from him.

He'll never stop.

Post: #8

My advice is to let it go. Who gives a shit what some loser is saying?

Post: #9

Engaging in gossip and 'he said, she said' is unbecoming. Be a man and have a word with him, or be a man and let it go. Either way, be a man.

Post: #10

When these situations are still one-on-one, you sometimes get the chance to 'sort it out' man-to-man. This might be in the form of just verbally standing up to him, or it might escalate physically. Even if you 'lose' in this scenario, the fact that you pushed back is often enough to make them think twice in future.

But, ...

When he has an audience of enablers however, that's a whole different ball-game. Especially, if he's a good talker and a good (and sneaky) networker. Most of us are just too 'good' and honourable to compete against fuckers like this as we play by the rules. Even the strongest of us will eventually get beaten down eventually by the group.

Aurini, is right, you have to cut him/them off and focus on yourself. 'Cos even when you visualise the 'beat up the school bully' ending, it doesn't usually play like that in real life. Even if you win, he will paint himself as the victim and you can find yourself with worse (legal) problems. If that side of life isn't something you dabble in frequently, it can back-fire dramatically.

Post: #11

Thanks guys for the advice and suggestions.

He is a coward anyway. That's what cowards do, deflect and try to put someone down/bully to make themselves feel better, to stop something getting out of hand and try to camouflage their insecurities/inferiority by having black sheep.

Post: #12

(05-07-2019 12:12 PM)Atom89 Wrote:  Thanks for the reply Aurini and for your advice. Appreciate it.

I'd like to say yes I was massive whipping boy and so maybe my father and we are expected to be. However it's changed now and they cannot handle it.

It doesn't seem like he's got me on the defensive? I don't react, I keep cool and I'm emotionally intelligent. He is the one that squirmed last time. Now I'm successful he can't do much, he just hopes that people keep quiet about it for the rest of his life. That's going to be impossible.

It's like I'VE got him on the defensive, why else would he deliberately do these tactics? He has, has to deflect and put me down. So I've got inside his head somehow. He goes as far as trying to put me down, yes I've got into his head and guess what? I've never even tried to get into head or do nothing.

He's brother even told me he got very, very angry towards him when he said positive things about me. They don't want to talk about me anymore in their household.

And I remember, he tried to kick me out of the sports team because he cannot handle someone he doesn't respect outdoing him.

Who cares whether they want to have conversations in their household about you or not?

The fact that he has you living in his head rent free is not your problem except to the extent you make it your problem. He's got all this negativity inside his head focused on you, but you don't see anything justifying it other than during your youth you let him occupy a higher space in the hierarchy while things have since flipped. He seems to be very bitter that you did a better job growing up than he did. He's a sick, wounded person.

Stay engaged with your family. Stay disengaged from your counsin. When family members bring up his shennanigans or ask about him the winning responses are "I pray he gets he out of his head and finds some peace.", "I worry about what this obsession is doing to his health", "Things between us weren't great as kids, but I've let that go..", "I've got no ill will for the guy, but I suspect it would be healthier if he moved on and redirected this energy on something more productive"...

He has no answer to this strategy through continuing to aggress against you. Stick to the "He's an ill person" line for years, decades, etc so long as he continues his obsession. Absolutely don't engage with his gossip or retaliate beyond whooping his ass in self defense if he physically attacks you.

You don't need his approval, so don't try to get it. What you want is an end to his hostility. This means you have to be the bigger man and believe deep in your heart that he is a sick person and engage with the rest of the family accordingly. Let the rest of the family handle him.

Post: #13

I wish you had the power not to post these types of troll threads.

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Post: #14

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(12-21-2017 02:11 PM)Atom89 Wrote:  Hey guys,

I'm a Indian guy in my late 20s.

*SNIP*

Post: #15

Sooner or later most (if not all) of us run into someone like that.

The most important thing is, IT's NOT YOU,IT'S HIM.
In other words, he's the one who's got problems. Not just with you, but with everyone in the world. Instead of bettering himself all he can do is be aggressive towards others. I HAD a relative like that. Many years later I found out he was an asshole to his sister, his wife, and his two kids.
I say "I had" a relative like him because he's no longer part of my life.
Bottom line, once they get to ages 15-25 (varies by person) people are what they want to be. No matter if they had a rough childhood or anything else. He want to be an ass. Other relatives may want to see him out of a sense of obligation,neediness,or whatever. Not your problem, either.
I would avoid him if at all possible including changing your phone number, going elsewhere in the room at a large gathering etc.
For large family gatherings, I would go if I wanted to go, wouldn't let him keep me away.
For very small gatherings, one or two people, just ask whether he's been invited then say you can't go. If it's something like your grandma's birthday (she's your grandma as well as his) instead ofgoing you can tell grandma, "look, I don't want things to get unpleasant of he's there and have the event ruined for everyone, so let me take you and grandpa out to dinner a week after your birthday."

(05-08-2019 12:07 PM)BBinger Wrote:  [quote='Atom89' pid='1975834' dateline='1557249153']

Stay engaged with your family. Stay disengaged from your counsin. When family members bring up his shennanigans or ask about him the winning responses are "I pray he gets he out of his head and finds some peace.", "I worry about what this obsession is doing to his health", "Things between us weren't great as kids, but I've let that go..", "I've got no ill will for the guy, but I suspect it would be healthier if he moved on and redirected this energy on something more productive"...