Post: #1

I am just curious, because this seems to happen to me a lot. I will catch a girl making eye contact with me and smiling, but after I approach her to chat, she will either reject me outright, or tell me she has a boyfriend, or give me a fake number, etc. So my question is, why do women sometimes flirt/initiate contact with a guy, if they aren't really interested in him to begin with?! It makes no sense.

Post: #2

It makes sense if what comes out of your mouth kills any initial physical attraction she has for you.

Describe what you say after you walk up.

Post: #3

(07-05-2014 07:12 PM)Christian McQueen Wrote:  It makes sense if what comes out of your mouth kills any initial physical attraction she has for you.

Describe what you say after you walk up.

Christian, that's the thing. As far as I know, I don't say anything offensive or creepy, I will just go up, say hi, and try to engage her in some sort of basic conversation (about our surroundings, her job -if she is at work at the time, where she goes to school, etc.), then I will ask for her number. I have heard that sometimes women just "like to flirt for the sake of flirting", for the ego boost or simply because it makes them feel all "wild and girly", etc. I assumed this was the reason, no?!

Post: #4

Women do sometimes flirt simply for validation, but how many times has this happened to you?

If there's a pattern, then it might be your game.

Describe yourself physically.

Also, how is your body language when you approach girls? Are you confident and calm, or hurried and nervous?

Post: #5

Don't ask for the number. That's what she's waiting for. Chit chat a little bit. Make her laugh then push for drinks. "Listen I gotta go. Meet me for a drink later". Don't say where or when. You're putting her on the spot to make a decision. The number close is implied at that point if she's interested. If not ....have a nice life sweetheart.

Asking for her number is like saying "Hi I'm interested".

Telling her to meet you for a drink is like saying "I haven't decided if I like you yet but you might have a chance if you meet me later".

Post: #6

You should provide more specifics so more people can help you. What you said is not specific enough and the experienced cats here can only theorize based on the limited information you provided.

Also read other newbie threads.

I have similar issues and I'm narrowing it down to inner game and body language.

Post: #7

okay, guys. I apologize if I didn't provide enough details in the opening. Here are the details which have been requested thus far.

I am 5-9, weigh 180, have an athletic build (people, including other guys, often comment on how wide my shoulders and back are relative to the rest of my frame). In other words, I look like I work out, but not as a body builder dude...more like a track guy or basketball player, if that makes any sense. I have a shaved head (personal choice, I have just always liked really short hair, so I decided to just shave it all off a year ago and haven't looked back) and wear glasses. 33 years old/hispanic (Colombian to be exact).

I can readily admit that my body language and general demeanor are problems. I have been told (by other guys, no less) that i always look like "I am rushing/in a hurry." I am the guy who walks way too fast wherever he is going (in the store, through the halls at work, in a parking lot, etc.). I have even been told that it always looks like I am "rushing" to reach the bathroom before having an accident. I also have one of those faces that always looks like it is P8ssed off, even when I am happy. I have actually had people walk up to me in random spots to ask "what was wrong/why I looked so P8ssed" when I was just daydreaming or thinking about something completely random.

Anyway, most of the time here is what happens: I see girl smiling at me. I work up the courage to go over and talk to her. I say something like, :"hey, sorry to interrupt you, but I was just wondering (insert random question here to try to fit the situation..about her job, about the place we are at, about what school she goes to, about her interests, etc.). I try to talk to her for a few minutes before finally asking her for her number. 99.9% of the time, I either get shut down at this point or I am given a fake number.

Post: #8

My help is in bold.

(07-05-2014 09:45 PM)Kxty33 Wrote:  okay, guys. I apologize if I didn't provide enough details in the opening. Here are the details which have been requested thus far.

I am 5-9, weigh 180, have an athletic build (people, including other guys, often comment on how wide my shoulders and back are relative to the rest of my frame). In other words, I look like I work out, but not as a body builder dude...more like a track guy or basketball player, if that makes any sense. I have a shaved head (personal choice, I have just always liked really short hair, so I decided to just shave it all off a year ago and haven't looked back) and wear glasses. 33 years old/hispanic (Colombian to be exact).

Sounds like you might have a somewhat intimidating look. The more 'tough' a guy looks, the more room a guy has to be chill with a chick. A guy like The Rock can be less aggressive than Joe Pesci, because his physical dominance is clear physically.

Sidebar: is it a choice to wear glasses? I wear contacts and it improves my looks.

I can readily admit that my body language and general demeanor are problems. I have been told (by other guys, no less) that i always look like "I am rushing/in a hurry." I am the guy who walks way too fast wherever he is going (in the store, through the halls at work, in a parking lot, etc.). I have even been told that it always looks like I am "rushing" to reach the bathroom before having an accident. I also have one of those faces that always looks like it is P8ssed off, even when I am happy. I have actually had people walk up to me in random spots to ask "what was wrong/why I looked so P8ssed" when I was just daydreaming or thinking about something completely random.

I used to get that EXACT statement said to be me by strangers "Why do you look pissed?" I wasn't, but my relaxed face was so serious, so people always assumed that.

You have to make a conscious effort to smile more. Eventually, your face will have a more relaxed look and people will be drawn more to you.

As far as working on your body language, I just did a series of posts on this here.

Focus on the body language and speech tips.

Anyway, most of the time here is what happens: I see girl smiling at me. I work up the courage to go over and talk to her. I say something like, :"hey, sorry to interrupt you, but I was just wondering (insert random question here to try to fit the situation..about her job, about the place we are at, about what school she goes to, about her interests, etc.). I try to talk to her for a few minutes before finally asking her for her number. 99.9% of the time, I either get shut down at this point or I am given a fake number.

First off, never apologize for 'interrupting'. You are the prize. She is in your line of vision. You are walking over to BLESS her with your presence and see if she is UP TO PAR for your standards. Flip the script: you're not seeking her approval, you're vetting her to see if she meets your approval.

Lastly, how soon off the bat do you sense that the girl is shutting down in the interaction? Get specific. The more you are, the more we can help.

Post: #9

Christan, thanks for your help. In response to your question, things go sideways pretty much from the second I walk over. I will admit that I lack confidence, so I have no doubt that I give off some 'awkward vibes" when I walk over and try to initiate the conversation. Most of the time, within the first 3-5 minutes of walking over to her, I can sense that things are getting kind of awkward and that she is not really "digging me."

Regarding my glasses, it is a choice. Honestly, I am too lazy to put in contacts every day. My personal hygiene isn't exactly the best (I usually shower once every 3-4 days), so glasses are just much easier to "throw on my face" after waking up and before heading out the door. I have contacts, but 99.99% of the time (unless it is a really special occasion like a wedding or something), I just think to myself, "meh, it is just easier to put on my glasses than mess with the contacts."

I have tried to "calm down" as far as my body language is concerned. In addition to "speed walking everywhere", I have also been told that I always look "tense and uptight" from a body language perspective. I guess this goes hand-in-hand with my "speed walking" in stores, through the halls at work, etc. Honestly, I never realized that my walking pace had made such an impression on people until one of my male co-workers just straight up asked me, "dude, why the fuck do you walk so fast?! Every time I see you in the hall, it looks like you have to take a massive dump or something. It is really weird."

Post: #10

Bro if you only shower every three or four days maybe it's your stank that's repelling the ladies.

Post: #11

Yeah, not to hate on your personal preferences, but is there a reason why you don't shower everyday?

Don't you think it will positively affect your confidence if you shower and clean up more often?

Edit: are u trolling?

Post: #12

I'm 8 drinks in but you only shower once every 3 days?

Come on dude. Stop wasting our time.

Post: #13

you truly are a male feminist indeed

they are smiling coz they wouldn't have had a whiff of your radioactive armpits yet. As soon as they do they turn and run!

Post: #14

I honestly don't think so, because I have been turned down on the days when I HAVE been clean-shaven and freshly showered, so it can hardly be pinned solely on my lack of hygiene. In response to your question, Christian, I suffer from both low-grade depression, OCD and social anxiety disorder. Basically, when I shower my OCD takes over and I am in there for 30-45 minutes. On days when I do get ready to go out (shower, shave, etc.) it takes me 2 hours to get ready. That is basically a large chunk of the reason why I shower only 1 out of every 3-4-5 days...the process itself, when I DO do it, simply wipes me out.

Post: #15

(07-06-2014 09:14 AM)Kxty33 Wrote:  I honestly don't think so, because I have been turned down on the days when I HAVE been clean-shaven and freshly showered, so it can hardly be pinned solely on my lack of hygiene. In response to your question, Christian, I suffer from both low-grade depression, OCD and social anxiety disorder. Basically, when I shower my OCD takes over and I am in there for 30-45 minutes. On days when I do get ready to go out (shower, shave, etc.) it takes me 2 hours to get ready. That is basically a large chunk of the reason why I shower only 1 out of every 3-4-5 days...the process itself, when I DO do it, simply wipes me out.

fuck man, if this is how you do the shower thing, i can only assume how you do the "talk to women" thing. I assume it is neurotic in some way

Post: #16

douglas, yep, I think that is definitely a safe assumption. I am not a women, so I couldn't tell you for sure, but I am sure I come across as neurotic or worried or stressed out. In fact, I HAVE been told by women in the past, that I come across (when simply approaching them or trying to chat them up) as "way too intense." I assume that is a really bad thing?

Post: #17

^^^ Yes. You'd be surprised.

My anxiety while gaming is related to a lot going on my life currently as well as over-working my mind to get any game knowledge into practice. I don't get many numbers off of it.

I don't consider myself bad looking or introverted.

So, in contrast, when I'm really kicking the social vibe on its nose and really vibing with the crowd, girls flock over.

I think just by posting this I answered an important question for myself.

But the same for you; maybe try to work on that social anxiety through targeted activities like improv or dancing or something like that.

Your problem is not approaching and asking for numbers, it's connecting. Work on connecting with people in general first. This should be obvious but don't focus on what you don't need to fix.

Post: #18

Cobra, thanks for the advice. I definitely come across as desperate/anxious/too intense when talking to women. I guess that is a MAJOR turn-off for most women...correct?

Post: #19

^^ anxious and too intense is could be okay. I know because it has worked for me even if I have both.

However, when you add desperation to that you're fucked.

Again, the bigger problem you have is social anxiety. Think about it; does this problem cause you to be desperate?

Post: #20

Cobra, I haven't asked/approached a girl in earnest (trying to chat her up with the goal of getting her phone #, etc.) in about 4 years, but as I recall, girls would be turn off by how "agitated" I seemed when chatting with them.

Post: #21

"girls would be turn off"

This. Who cares. You do what you want. Don't assume they're turned off. And if they seem that way, stop caring.

It's hard for me to do too but I understand it's an issue and try to fix it.