Excelsior
Innovative Casanova
      
Posts: 15,023
Joined: Mar 2010
Reputation: 216
|
RE: LOL - Women marry Doctors and complain
Some of the comments on that article are quite interesting, so I picked out a few (there were hundreds to choose from). There is a generally negative tone to them overall-the wives and girlfriends don't seem very satisfied with the trials that their choice to be with a doctor has put on them.
Quote:Married 25 years to a doctor. My advice: don't do it, unless your spouse is going to be a dermatologist or a radiologist. Being married to a doctor is much worse than being a single parent-- I call it "single parent plus", because not only do you have to raise the kids alone, but you also have to take care of a cranky and unappreciative spouse who shows up all hours of the day and night wanting food, clean clothes and sex on demand. No amount of positive attitude can hold back the anger and resentment you will feel after spending years taking care of absolutely everything in your lives, including home, children, automobiles, finances, repairs, social events, church, school, sports, and relationships with both your families.
And it's really not good for your kids, growing up with such a lopsided relationship as their primary role model. Plus I think doctors are often meaner to their kids than other parents, because their king-of-the-hill profession allows them to be demanding, impatient and autocratic all day at work, and gradually they become exactly the same way at home with you and the kids. Not to mention the pressure doctors put on their kids to be at the top of the class at all times, just like they were.
That said, if you are already married, here's my advice:
1. Know everything about your assets and finances. Insist that all assets (home, cars, bank accts, stock accts, etc) are held jointly--this means you must be listed as an owner on the deed or account, too. It is no joke that doctors often trade in their old spouses for newer models--they really do, and they often walk away with almost everything you both have worked for. Don't expect to get alimony or sympathy--it won't happen. I have seen it too many times and it is truly heartbreaking. So be prepared, even if you think it can't happen to you.
2. Pay for help. Even if you are lucky enough to have family around. Being married to a doctor is a long and totally exhausting venture, so don't even think about mowing the lawn, painting a room or cleaning the house yourself--you've got to pace yourself or you will never survive. I know lots of doctors wives who even have drivers to take their kids to the endless lessons/games etc. Sounds ridiculous, but trust me, you need all the help you can get.
3. Once your kids are school aged, take long and exotic vacations. Try to take at least 10 days every year, out of the country if possible. Even though you have to plan, pack and execute these big trips all by yourself, they will be just about the only times your family will spend together, and about the only "perk" you will get from the big doctor paycheck. Stay in huge suites in fabulous hotels and book all the side trips and activities.
4. Stop waiting for your doctor spouse to participate and just raise your children the best you can. They will grow up faster than you can imagine, and they will love you wholeheartedly for always being the one who was there through thick and thin, and being the one who made time for them. It is not your job to beg, wheedle or nag your spouse into being a good parent. If they truly care, they will make time to be with the kids. If not, they will put their golf/tennis game, sports on TV, or million other hobbies first and just show up occasionally to do "filet of parenting"--that is, the fun stuff. Either way, it's not your decision, it's theirs, and they will reap exactly what they sow.
5. Don't have a lot of kids. "Single parenting plus" gets geometrically harder the more kids you have.
Good luck--you'll need it!
posted by Anonymous at 7/25/2009 09:44:00 PM
Quote:if you're just dating a doctor or med student, GET OUT NOW. It only gets worse. It's an extremely lonely life, no matter how "independent" you are.
posted by Anonymous at 8/28/2009 02:01:00 PM
Quote:I have been married to a doctor for 17 years, and the loneliness has only gotten worse as time has gone on. Our time together is indeed quality time, but it is quantity that I need. The only way that I can cope with the incessant waiting is to distance myself from him, and that is sad. I know he loves me very much, but it just isn't enough. My advice to any one who is considering marrying a doctor for a glamorous life, forget it. If you can, turn and run away or you are condemned to a life of loneliness. Medicine is his Camilla.....
posted by Anonymous at 4/30/2010 06:01:00 PM
Quote:I've been with my surgeon husband for 25 years, married for 18 of them. We have three kids. My husband came from a very close-knit traditional family that was very important to him a long time ago. No longer. Being a surgeon has absolutely changed him as a person. Whoever said that they married one person and now find themselves wondering who is this imposter who has taken his place, that is exactly how I feel. He was once warm, friendly and kind. Now it seems he is only like that to his patients. To me, his wife, not so much. He has told me he believes that I do nothing but spend his money, sit around with my friends, sleep all day. Nothing could be further from the truth. Is he kidding? He goes whole seasons without seeing one soccer game or practice. Could not name one of the kids' teachers. Has never been to a Dr. appointment. He never even drove me to the hospital when I delivered each of the kids. He was always on call, somewhere else.
This is not what I signed up for. A comfortable lifestyle is about all we have together. Otherwise, nothing. He comes home to eat, sleep, change. He sleeps in a guest room at the far corner of the house because he is in bed by 8 and up by 3 in the morning to get in his daily 10 mile run before getting to the hospital at 5am. The kids see him for maybe an hour a day (more like seeing him move through the house), and that's on the days he comes home. These days he comes home about 4 days a week in a good week and in a bad week, maybe only 2 nights a week. Family vacations are nightmares because he hates being there. He does not know how to slow down or sit still. He is literally almost incapable of it. The exception is when he goes drinking with his coworkers, most of whom are female nurses. And yes, I know things have happened around closed doors when things get a little out of hand. It's impossible to mistake the looks I get. He denies everything of course.
I would get a divorce but for my kids asking me not to. The one time I brought it up and asked how they would feel, my girls burst into tears. My husband does not want a divorce, he just does not want a wife. He does not want to be accountable to anyone. He's a surgeon, master of the universe. He does speaking engagements, he travels to conferences. Everyone looks up to him. He is God where he works. He does not want to come home these days and "just" be a regular old father or husband. He truly believes these days he is one step above normal men. He has told me "I could have any woman I want" implying I am no longer good enough for him. The only thing that keeps me going is the kids. My oldest sees what's going on. She sees that he does not call on Mother's Day or my birthday. She sees me cry.
I envy the wives of doctors who have posted here that at least they know their husband still loves them and that he does what he can. My husband can't even do that. He may come home, he may not. He may even say he'll be home and then change his mind without letting me know. He just turns his cell phone off and never shows up. And if I dare to say anything to him, he just asks me what do I have to complain about, he keeps me in this big house and the bills are paid, how dare I make any demands on him.
I do not know this man that I am married to. There is only one consolation in that I don't think he would leave me for another woman to start another family. He doesn't even want this one anymore.
posted by Anonymous at 5/14/2010 12:00:00 PM
Quote:As the child of two doctor's, all I can say is NEVER underestimate the impact that absentee parenting has on the long term stability of your children. So many Christmases, Easters and New Year's spent at home waiting for your dad to reappear from the hospital, only to watch him fall fast asleep on the couch. So many parent functions with only one parent. My sister is six years younger than me and suffered from anorexia nervosa for fourteen years- the stress of my father's job and his absenteeism contributed directly to her sense of insecurity and unworthiness. Many years watching my mother single handedly raise the two of us, while she sacrificed her own medical career because someone had to be home with the children and as a GP she was second in command to the anesthetist. My parents marriage ended in divorce a few years back as my father became swept up in the money side of medicine and the Mercedes and the beach house became the most important tags of success in a long and exhausting career. My mother's first piece of advice was 'never be a doctor, never marry a doctor'. My husband works in business and leaves at 8.30 and is home predictably by 5.30. My son loves him to bits. I still don't really know who my own father is, other than his identity as 'The Doctor'. A word of warning to all of you out there: keep a careful eye on your children as your lifestyle is most definitely having more of an impact than you can imagine.
posted by Anonymous at 5/23/2010 10:22:00 PM
Quote:I've been dating an Oncologist for 2 1/2 years now and we became engaged and moved in together 8 months ago. After we moved in together, I realized just how much he is not around. He gets home around 10 every night and sometimes it's even later. On the weekends, he's too exhausted to do anything together and just wants to sit around the house. I get in trouble if I do anything to disrupt his sleep -- I know this is important, but I am just needing some attention!
I put the wedding off because I'm seriously contemplating whether I can live this way. I have a good job and work hard and I can appreciate his hard work, but I want a partner in life...someone to go to dinner with or take walks with or just talk with about the day once in awhile. I feel like such a fool -- everyone is so impressed when they hear you're marrying a doctor, while all I’m seeing is a lonely future in front of me. I’ve tried to explain this to my mom and friends, but they just don’t get it….they think I’m lucky. I'm tormented because I love him; I love that man who used to have time and energy for me. I don't want anyone else, I just don't know how to make this work.
posted by Anonymous at 8/26/2010 05:06:00 PM
Quote:Hi, I am not married to a medical doctor, but to a dentist. He has more time at home but is mostly emotionally unavailable. His office staff worships him. I cannot compete with that so I gave up. He does not need me. We live in small town and I get the,"Oh, how great you are married to a dentist, especially him, he is so great. You must be so happy!" Wow, they assume he is as engaged with me as he is the office staff and patients! We cannot have conflict, because, after all, he is perfect and I am just somehow defective from the cradle if I am not overjoyed at living in his reflective glow. I got tired of it and am on the path to a new career.
posted by Anonymous at 12/20/2010 08:10:00 PM
Quote:Yep another lonely wife here, another night waiting for him to come home, our 5 month old son went to bed hours ago without seeing him, for the 5th night this week.
I remember having a 'crossroads' kind of crisis a few years ago when we were living overseas so he could do some specialist training, he was working extrememly long hours and I felt like I was looking 'down the barrel' of my future. I needed to decide if I wanted this life for myself and our kids, we talked alot about it, and the conclusion was the crazy hours wouldnt last forever. I'm now kicking myself for making the decision to stay, sure we have more than enough money, but I would give it all up to have my partner home and for him to know his son. I can't talk to anyone about this because no one can understand what i'm 'complaining' about, it has made life very lonely.
I'm a theatre nurse myself so I get what keeps them late and how long and complicated surgery can be, its just as others have said, the sad reality of being the support of these wonderful Doctors.
For any young women or men out there contempleting their future with a specialist surgeon (I dont have experience of other Doc's) I would take the decision to have family very seriously and follow your gut on this one. I have a beautiful son, who has given my life light and meaning but have made a huge sacrifice in the process.
posted by Anonymous at 10/12/2011 12:52:00 AM
Know your enemy and know yourself, find naught in fear for 100 battles. Know yourself but not your enemy, find level of loss and victory. Know thy enemy but not yourself, wallow in defeat every time.
|
|